05/24/2024
As parents, we are fed a misconception: that compliance = respect, and that if our child does not comply with our demand, they are being disrespectful. A troubling aspect of this harmful misconception is that I find it to be the basic principle that informs traditional parenting advice, as well as best practices at school and in many forms of children's therapy.
We equate compliance with respect and demand it of our children - which disrespects their autonomy. It teaches them that their wants, needs, opinions and feelings come secondarily (or not at all) to adults' demands of them.
If our goal is truly to raise respectful people, and not simply compliant people, we need to also model respect for our children and their personhood. We need to teach them how to respectfully dissent, how to advocate for their own needs, how to negotiate, how to express disagreement, and that their opinions and feelings are believed and matter.
This doesn't mean that we give them everything they want at all times. We still have to draw boundaries for safety and well-being where children may not be able to adequately predict consequences, and we can teach in those moments where we need to enforce non-negotiables. This is so much easier to do when the child trusts that they are heard, understood, and respected. They will be much more likely to be respectful in turn. But remember.... compliance is not the same thing as respect.
