Myrtille SC-Gentle parenting resources

👉 What is our teaching's focus as parents?
✔️Do we expect from them obedience at all costs?
❓️Is it really what we want?

💯 Children are able to apply by themselves, with no pressure what they understand.
👉 "To understand" for them means that there are some important components involved from our part as parents:
✅ ️connection
✅ ️time
✅ ️communication
✅️ empathy
✅️ understanding
✅️self-control
✅️ principles teaching

🔒🔑 Our children can develop their own capacity to do what is right not by fear but because they know and understand what they do.
💯 This is our responsibility as parents to apply and show them how to do and to guide them toward this path.

When we change the way we guide and teach our children, the environment in our home gradually changes.

Stopping showing our nervousness when we are, keeping a calm tone, opting for an empathetic attitude, and staying in control of ourselves, changes the way our children relate to each other.

And the change is real!

As parents, we can choose to be responsible for the atmosphere that resides in our home, and stop the actions that we show to replace them with what we really want.

When we realize that we are responsible for what we have and what we want, then real change can take place and harmony can take its place.

🧐 Have you ever wondered what your values ​​are?

👉How important can they be in your role as a parent?
👉What do your values ​​have to do with how you raise your children?

🛑🛑 Usually, our emotions guide our actions and reactions. This is a generality among most people.
Fear, sadness, anger, shame, exasperation, jealousy, impatience, mistrust...
Joy, enthusiasm, relief, satisfaction...
💣Unfortunately, in our role as parents (and many others), our reactions are often fueled by our emotions of anger, fear, frustration, impatience, shame...

👂👁 The values ​​we have should be what defines us as a person. What our family, friends or colleagues describe or recognize us by.
👂👁 The values we have should influence our actions, and reactions.

💯 When we act on our values ​​we set aside our emotions to give way to what we really want to be and do.
💯 When we have the self-control to put our emotions aside, we give way to constructive nurturing and teaching, based on our values.
💯 Putting our emotions aside, and acting on our values, allows us to truly influence those around us, because we are inspiring.

📗🖋 Define your values, write them down. Read them often.
🚫When you feel an emotion of anger, fear, frustration, impatience...
👉 take time to stop.
👉 Recognize your emotion
👉 Call the emotion by its name
👉 Find the value you hold that is appropriate to the situation and react or act on that value.

❤️ Let us work to be and do what are our values, what we advocate and what we defend as worthy and valuable.
❤️ Let's be self-controlled parents who influence, guide and inspire constructively.

Self-regulation is learned by practicing it and being trained to do it.
It is difficult for a child to regulate his emotions before a certain age because of the immaturity of his pre-frontal cortex.

👉 It is particularly important for a child to experience co-regulation in order to develop his ability to regulate himself eventually when his pre-frontal cortex will be developed.

👣 The parent or significant attachment figure for the child IS the best person to transmit this learning.

👌 Some effective ways to help our child and make us effective in co-regulating him:

✅️ Not focusing on behavior (return to the inappropriate behavior when the child has calmed down). Stay in the present moment with empathy and understanding.
✅️ Name the emotions that the child feels (you are angry, you are sad...).
✅️ Validate the child's feelings (it seems difficult at the moment, it's sad what happened...).
✅️ Give time and space to calm down during a conflict.
✅️ Provide a safe and warm environment during stressful times for the child.

🚫 Avoid these ways of handling the situation when the child is not calm:

❌️ Focus on correcting bad behavior immediately.
❌️ Being out of control of our own emotions.
❌️Desiring to be in a position of power and control rather than having the goal of helping.

👉 Our child needs our calm to help him regulate his emotions when he is in a crisis. Frequently experiencing co-regulation contributes to the development of brain structures responsible for self-regulation.

👌Let's practice co-regulation with our child!!

With neuro-developmental and neuro-affective researches of recent years, it is fascinating to see what increases the development of certain important parts of the brain but also to see what slows down or even decrease, the development of these same parts.

For the majority of parents, we love our children and want the best for them.
Knowing and becoming aware of these discoveries should push us to change our actions and our way of educating to optimize the development of our children.

This goes through the desire to look for alternatives, to look for other methods and these methods to educate our children must be based on respect, understanding, empathy, communication and gentleness.

Because I had requests in french :

Parce qu'on m'en a demandé, pour les francophones, voici des ressources bien utiles dans le but de se documenter sur les violences éducatives et l'éducation positive/ bienveillante (comprendre, reconnaître, changer).
Essentiellement des livres.
Aussi, un documentaire fait sur la Suède, premier pays à interdire les violences sous toutes leurs formes, contre les enfants, dont les violences éducatives ordinaires. Un regard, 40 ans après l'interdiction.
Un site Internet (qui ont une page fb et Instagram, mais en anglais) est très pertinent et donne des alternatives à l'éducation culturelle que nous connaissons. Il est possible de s'inscrire à des conférences données par eux également.
https://instituteofchildpsychology.com

Il faut comprendre qu'en français, il y a beaucoup moins de recherches et de documentation sur le sujet qu'en anglais (la France ayant refusé d'interdire les violences faites aux enfants, dans un objectif educatif, en milieu familial jusqu'en 2019). Du fait que cet intérêt et interdiction sont assez récents dans le monde francophone, les recherches sur les conséquences néfastes d'une telle éducation, comme les conséquences positives à faire autrement, sont assez limitées.

Self-regulation is learned by practicing it and being trained to do it.
It is difficult for a child to regulate his emotions before a certain age because of the immaturity of his pre-frontal cortex.

👉 It is particularly important for a child to experience co-regulation in order to develop his ability to regulate himself eventually when his pre-frontal cortex will be developed.

👣 The parent or significant attachment figure for the child IS the best person to transmit this learning.

👌 Some effective ways to help our child and make us effective in co-regulating him:

✅️ Not focusing on behavior (return to the inappropriate behavior when the child has calmed down). Stay in the present moment with empathy and understanding.
✅️ Name the emotions that the child feels (you are angry, you are sad...).
✅️ Validate the child's feelings (it seems difficult at the moment, it's sad what happened...).
✅️ Give time and space to calm down during a conflict.
✅️ Provide a safe and warm environment during stressful times for the child.

🚫 Avoid these ways of handling the situation when the child is not calm:

❌️ Focus on correcting bad behavior immediately.
❌️ Being out of control of our own emotions.
❌️Desiring to be in a position of power and control rather than having the goal of helping.

👉 Our child needs our calm to help him regulate his emotions when he is in a crisis. Frequently experiencing co-regulation contributes to the development of brain structures responsible for self-regulation.

👌Let's practice co-regulation with our child!!

Regarding my post yesterday, I want to clarify a few important principles:

👉 Some people think that by giving our child the opportunity to choose the activities he wants to do, or letting him direct the discussion he has with us when we spend time with him, will make him a "child-king"/ or a spoiled child.

👎This is wrong! The absence of limits or rules IS what encourages a child to behave as if he is in control of everything.

👍 Showing interest in what our child does or what he likes, taking an interest in what he says and letting him lead the discussion when we spend time together, will not make him a "child-king".

👍 Showing a genuine interest in our child, both in what he likes and in what he tells us, helps to build his self-esteem, strengthens the ties that bind you to him, and this gives him the opportunity to feel and live this what it is to be important to someone significant in his life.

👌👌 I repeat: By showing our interest, our enthusiasm, our love in fact (it's nothing more than that), we contribute to build a strong and rich relationship between our child and ourselves.

Building a connection with our child requires that we invest time and actions that will make him feel important.

Telling our child that we love him when we don't spend much time with him, or that we always choose the activities, or that we take control of the discussion when he speaks to us, shows him that what he is and what he likes is not important to us.

Time, do with him what he likes, let him lead the conversation or activity, show enthusiasm and interest. Let's build a quality connection with our child.

Knowledge is the power to change. And we can change!!

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