08/31/2026
Happy Monday!
“Why don’t you try a little Self-Acceptance?
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
- T.S. Eliot
Around 26 years ago, I was a client in a therapy session with Frank Farrelly, the creator of Provocative Therapy. I was agonising over an apparent double bind I was stuck in between my family and my career. I couldn’t work out how I could be successful in my career AND be there for my family. Either way I felt guilty, because I wasn’t doing enough.
Right in the middle of my search for answers, I turned to Frank questioning how I might resolve this dilemma. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Why don’t you try a little self-acceptance?”
It was as if he had hit me in the face with a wet fish, breaking my problem trance in an instant.
“What does that have to do with anything?” was my internal question.
Turns out it had everything to do with it…
I had been caught up in the complexity of trying to resolve the apparent either-or dilemma from within the double bind itself, perhaps coming up with a way of doing "enough", or doing "better", or finding the "right" amount of presence. Then along comes Frank, crashing into my consciousness with something that seemed to be right out in left field.
“Why don’t you try a little self-acceptance?”
Now I realise his statement, which I have never forgotten, wasn’t out in left field at all, it was right over the home plate. Self-acceptance is where it’s at.
At that time, I never realised just how pervasive this underlying lack of self-acceptance was, nor did I see how insidious its effects were on my energy, performance, and enjoyment of life… Now that I have been freed of much of the weight and pressure of it I see it very clearly.
Back then I lived in a world where I was constantly wrong, beating myself up for what I should have been doing that I wasn't doing and for whatever I was doing or did do which was either wrong or not good enough. I felt guilty when I was away from my family working and I also felt guilty at times when I was with my family because I “should have been working”. I never felt like I was doing a good enough job in either area.
Not long after the session with Frank I found myself sitting in my office feeling frustrated at my lack of "right" action in my business and life.
I started tapping and journalling and very quickly realised the problems I was upset about weren't the real problem at all, the real problem was my negative self-judgements about myself for having the problem! This was an even bigger problem which was sitting in the background behind all my other problems.
I resolved then to tap for 30 days on this issue, on my lack of self-acceptance, and active self-rejection. That was to have a profound outcome which I continue to benefit from to this day.
I still remember back then when I started tapping catching my moments of non-acceptance (or active self-rejection) being surprised at how pervasive this was: For goodness’ sake, I even criticised myself for brushing my teeth wrong! I should have been brushing them for 2 minutes, I wasn't using the right brushing procedure, etc, etc.
There were a myriad of examples like this where I was not measuring up or where I was doing it wrong!
It was truly exhausting.
And this wasn't even one of my big problems; this was just the constant negative mind-chatter that I was saluting emotionally dozens and dozens of times daily.
Tapping on this was life changing. I can't tell you the freedom I felt just a few days into my 30 day tapping trial when I had the sudden realisation that I was not the problem: The problem was the problem.
That has stayed with me and still brings a smile to my face every time I remember: The problem is the problem…..
Accepting and allowing your negative thoughts and feelings to be there (without having to act on them). This includes accepting your thoughts about NOT accepting yourself!! And even accepting that you don’t accept THAT!
Acceptance does not mean you have to like it or agree with it.
As Eckhart Tolle says in this dialogue from Stillness Speaks:
Accept what is.
I cannot. I am irritated and angry about this.
Then accept that.
What, accept that I am irritated and angry?
Yes, bring acceptance into your non-acceptance and go from there.
Research supports this: There have been many studies which show that people have better psychological health and actually suffer less negative emotions when they are encouraged to accept their negative emotions and thoughts (without having to act on them or believe them).
Other studies have shown that being willing to face and receive feedback about coming negative events, even where that knowledge doesn't allow us to change things, still enables us to be less anxious and happier.
So, the negative isn’t as negative as many people would have you believe. And the positive isn’t always positive either, especially if you don’t believe it!
So where can you go from here?
The first step towards acceptance is awareness. So, begin with simply noticing. Notice your thoughts and feelings from the position of observer or witness. And notice any judgements or reactions you have to those thoughts and feelings.
Now, instead of trying to get rid of your negative thoughts and feelings or your judgements about them, try releasing your emotional attachments to them and releasing your emotional attachments to the belief that they define you.
Restore any disturbed energy, feelings, or emotions back to flow with: I restore the right energy flow to this feeling.
Here, you are not trying to accept yourself by convincing yourself that you are acceptable, but by releasing your emotional attachments to everything that tells you that you are not.
Along the way, you may find as I have that a lot of tapping is required on where you learnt about good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and not acceptable.
The place we are heading is perfectly described by Rumi:
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there"
Warmly,
Steve Wells
See comments below for link to training)
