10/10/2024
LOSING YOUR KIDS LOVE AFTER DIVORCE
Hello, beautiful souls. If you’re reading this, you might be feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. You might be trying to or already have navigated the storm of divorce, and now, you’re facing the heart-wrenching reality of strained or estranged relationships with your children. I want you to know: “You are not alone”.
It’s something we see and hear often, and for Mumma Bears, it’s heartbreaking. You need to acknowledge your pain by honouring your feelings. The pain, the unfairness, the confusion—it’s real, and it’s heavy. You may feel as though you’ve lost not just a partner, but also a vital connection to your children. The love you have for them is immeasurable, yet the distance can feel insurmountable. It’s okay to grieve that loss.
Divorce changes everything. It can create rifts that seem impossible to mend. But here’s the beautiful truth: “Healing is possible.”
There is Power in healing enough so you have an Open Heart and don’t change the beautiful woman you are because you’ve been hurt.
In the midst of this turmoil, it’s vital to keep your heart open. Closing off to protect yourself may feel like the right move, but it only deepens the divide. Instead, choose to embrace vulnerability. Love conquers everything so let it be your guiding light.
Here are some strategies to help you navigate this challenging journey:
1. Learn to be Self-Compassionate
You’re navigating uncharted waters and you haven’t been given a rule book or taught skills to do things differently from the way you’ve done them up to date. It’s crucial to be gentle with yourself as you move forward. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and look at how you can grow your understanding so you can communicate more effectively with your children. You are doing the best you can in a tough situation so if you are open to learning, it will hold the key to your freedom and be a breakthrough from the pain.
2. Communicate with Love
What I’ve found to be true is kids cut off and put their protective walls up when they are hurting. The reality is “hurt people hurt others”. Common advice given is to reach out and keep trying to connect to your children but this is the worst thing to do IF YOU ARE HURT and defending yourself. They don’t know how to “fix” you or the situation. What I always suggest is using a “rebuilding love” strategy and it requires you to do some CORE inner healing work so you understand your kids hurt and can “speak to their pain” when you reach out. You sharing your feelings is not what they need to hear when they are suffering. Often they want to “subconsciously punish you” so you need to be emotionally mature and brave enough to hear them and let love lead the conversation. When communicating, be inquisitive as to how you’ve hurt them, what their “story is” and find out what they need to hear from you.
3. Be The Adult and Create New Traditions
If your kids are hurting, they will want you to apologise and make amends. This is hard to do if you are committed to maintaining your position and wanting to be right. Finding small ways to reconnect is possible when they see you healing, growing and learning to love again. Once you begin to heal and you understand your kids pain, you can begin to rebuild the lost love. Whether it’s a weekly text message, a monthly phone call, a handwritten letter, or even a shared hobby, these new traditions can pave the way for healing. It’s about you increasing your emotional intelligence so you can communicate in a way they can hear you and taking baby steps toward rebuilding that connection.
4. Seek Support
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Consider working with a divorce recovery coach who understands your journey. Sharing your experiences with others who have walked similar roads can be incredibly healing and provide you with new tools and skills so you can still be happy even when your heart is broken. Your job is to rebuild yourself, so you can reconnect with your kids in a mutually satisfying way, and live a fulfilling life regardless of how your kids treat you.
5. Embrace Forgiveness—For Yourself and Them
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It doesn’t mean you condone what happened; it means you’re choosing to release the burden of resentment. This process can be transformative, allowing you to love more freely, even from afar.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, reconciliation may not be possible just yet. You can still love your children from a distance. Channel your energy into nurturing your own heart and soul. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. When you radiate positivity, you create a ripple effect that can reach your loved ones, even if they’re not in your immediate circle.
Your Journey Ahead
As you move forward, remember: “Your story isn’t over.” This chapter may be painful, but it’s also an opportunity for growth, resilience, and the discovery of new depths of love. You may have been trading love to get love so learning all about the different levels of love could be a real breakthrough for you. You’re stronger than you realise, and you have the power to create a future filled with hope and connection.
I know this can be a hard and confusing cross to bear but it’s vital you keep that beautiful heart of yours open. You deserve healing, love, and the chance to mend the rifts in your life—whether that’s with your children or within yourself.
Remember: Healing is not a destination, but a journey. Embrace every step.
With love and light,
Fiona May x
Ps. I use a proven and successful rebuilding strategy with my clients so if what I say resonates with you, send me a message and we’ll arrange to chat.