Cathryn Norman Divorce Doula

Ouch..... this is an uncomfortable one to sit with.

When a relationship dissolves the lead up is usually steeped in repetitive arguments about anything and everything.
Every relationship has its 'Greatest Hits' list of topics to argue about and the interactions always follow a distinct pattern of attack and defend.

Sound familiar?

What if we could shift our focus from who was 'right' and who was 'wronged', to 'what is the truth here that we were unwilling to see?'

This exercise is not about rehashing old hurts blow by blow, but rather a reflection to uncover something that we knew intuitively from the beginning but chose to ignore.

Often in a relationship transition we can play the blame game...."it was because he wasn't ....." or "she didn't do ......". The only result of this game is to avoid looking at the role that we have played within the relationship.

The next fun game is looking at ourselves as lacking, that there is something 'wrong' with who we are, or that we are simply unloveable. Shame is inevitable. We come up with the story around this transition in relationship for our monkey minds to feel satisfied or vindicated.

What if we could shift our focus to- what's right about us that we are not seeing, feeling or acknowledging ....

Just by asking this question a space can be opened up to look at all the parts of us that are a contribution to those around us, and that often become steeped in wrongness through the lens of another person's projections onto us.

Shifting our focus can create a foundational space for reflection, realisation, acknowledgment, acceptance and change.

A gentle way of easing the 'wrongness', 'difficulties' and 'loss' to ultimately create lasting ease and acceptance of this new phase in our lives.

Grief is another part of ending a significant relationship. This grief is comparable to to the death of a loved one, but so much harder on the soul as the other person is still there but not here with us. The possibility of seeing them, and in some cases, the necessity of seeing them constantly takes a toll on transitioning in a 'break up' - it takes a lot of work and strength to navigate a path through this particular aspect. As a friend be patient, be kind, and be mindful of talking about the ex partner, be guided by them if they want to talk about their ex, try not to lead every conversation with 'I saw .....the other day'. It's tricky for both people involved in a separation, especially for friends and family members. There is no right or wrong way to move through this stage, an important piece to be aware of is that during this time there is grief, physical withdrawals, and an identity crisis in play, we cannot expect people to be OK all the time and just 'get on with it'. Be space for them - if it is your friend- or give yourself the space to fall apart and be messy. Its a transition, it's scary and it's lonely but trust that there will be something beautiful on there other side.xx

Another huge part of 'breaking up' with someone is that we will be in withdrawal....Whenever we are 'in love' with someone else biochemical reactions happen to help us feel connected and bonded to the other person. When they are no longer there our brains don't feel as much oxytocin, dopamine, vasopressin and serotonin as they once did when they were stimulated with that person. This can show up in many ways, physically not being able to sleep, eat or self regulate our nervous systems. Not being able to concentrate, forgetfulness, lack of motivation, feelings of despair. Constantly obsessing over the other person, wanting to know about what's happening in their lives without us.......the list is long...If you know someone in the transition of breaking up it's important to be mindful of the physical strain their bodies are under. Check in with them, take a meal over, better yet share a meal with them, one small thing can make all the difference. It's a tough process to navigate alone.

Breaking up with someone is one of the most psychologically and physiologically challenging times in our lives. One huge part is that we are going through an identity crisis. In a significant relationship we start to understand who we are in relationship with the other person, and when they are no longer around we begin to question who we are without that person....This can be really challenging and scary. If you know someone transitioning after a break up it's important to be mindful of this, be patient, be supportive, and most of all abandon any judgements or criticisms. They maybe dressing differently, changing their hair, taking up new activities - all of this is about them finding who they are without their ex partner.