Adult Survivors of Childhood Divorce

“If I’ve done nothing but hug my kids today, I’ve done enough.”

https://bertmanderson.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Free-Printable-25-Positive-Affirmations-for-Divorced-Moms.pdf

bertmanderson.com

The Power of Positivity!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.powerofpositivity.com/divorced-parent-affirmations/%3Famp

20 Affirmations Every Divorced Parent Should Recite Daily You are a divorced parent, and some days you feel the pressure of raising kids. Recite a few of these daily affirmations to regain self-worth.

A few years back I asked our pediatrician if they were asking parents about their child’s ACE (Adverse Childhood Events) score? To my surprise and delight—our pediatrician’s office is NOW asking these questions! Thank you Healing Hearts Pediatricians for working to better understand your youngest patient’s needs!

What’s an ACE score?

Everyone has an ACE (Adverse Childhood Events) score, falling within the range of 0-10. An ACE score is determined by asking specific questions related to the child’s exposure to long term childhood trauma. These answers can help to better understand what outside events may be impacting that child’s health and behavior—now and later in life.

Whether living in a war-torn country, growing up in a violent neighborhood, witnessing or being abused (verbal, physical, sexual), subject to parental substance abuse, household dysfunction, neglect, incarceration, poverty, divorce, etc—studies show long term trauma during childhood can lead to adverse health outcomes as adults.

The good news is that these studies have also shown ways to help overcome the effects of long term trauma. Resilience can be fortified by ensuring a healthy diet, exercise, adequate sleep, using mindfulness (meditation, positive affirmations, etc), seeking mental health/ trauma treatment (for both child and parents), building safe and stable relationships with a caring mentor and community, etc.

Want to learn more about the ACE study, resilience or determine your own ACE score? Check out the following articles.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/fastfact.html

https://www.google.com/amp/s/vialogue.wordpress.com/2021/03/23/the-deepest-well-reflections-notes/amp/

“I feel safe because my parents shelter me from any adult conflict (verbal, physical, emotional, etc). My parent’s interactions are respectful (words, body language, etc) and harmonious. By watching these interactions, I am learning how to manage my own feelings and behaviors. I know that my physical and emotional well-being is a priority.”

A fantastic book explaining the science behind how childhood trauma impacts the brain, how to reduce childhood trauma and how to help your kids heal.

https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-deepest-well-dr-dr-nadine-burke-harris/1125338426

The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity|Paperback  “An extraordinary, eye-opening book.”—People  2018 National Health Information Awards, Silver Award   “A rousing wake-up call . . . this highly engaging, provocative book prove[s] beyond a reasonable doubt that millions...

Great podcast talking about preventing substance abuse in kids—including those who may have a higher risk—childhood trauma (divorce, etc).

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-rich-roll-podcast/id582272991?i=1000515802070

‎The Rich Roll Podcast: Jessica Lahey on Preventing Substance Abuse in Kids on Apple Podcasts ‎Show The Rich Roll Podcast, Ep Jessica Lahey on Preventing Substance Abuse in Kids - Apr 5, 2021

Parents of divorce, please guard and protect your children from the fallout.

As a “Survivor of childhood divorce”, I am keenly aware of the impact divorce has on children. I was drawn to read Primal Loss, as I wanted to learn how other “now adults of childhood divorce” fared from their shared experiences.

The author interviewed a group of 70 participants, asking them a range of questions regarding how divorce affected their lives. The group shared an overwhelming sense of pain, confusion, upheaval, trauma, loss, dysfunction, destabilization, heartbreak, broken trust and a deep fear of abandonment.

These toxic experiences and feelings during childhood helped pave the way for adulthood issues with intimacy, co-dependency, trust, insecurity, lack of self respect and confidence, depression, stress, anxiety, anger, self-destructive behavior, stunted emotional development—an overall negative impact on physical and mental health.

Including a link about ACE’s, to better understand how the “fallout” from divorce can impact your children as adults. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean

Being aware of the potential “fallout” from divorce and shielding/ protecting children should be the top priority. Parents, get healthy (therapy) and put your kiddos first!

For anyone considering or involved in a divorce (extended family too) or seeking a better understanding of how divorce affects children and generations to come, I highly recommend this book. Divorce is a reality—but the children shouldn’t shoulder this burden.

Takeaways from Primal Loss:

*Positive Co-parenting (putting your children first) can help shield your children from the negative effects of divorce.

*Divorce has far reaching consequences.

“Divorce doesn’t only affect your immediate family—it’s generational.”

*Children will continue to shoulder the burden as adults.

“While parents may go on to find happiness, it is the children who cannot escape the situation and must relive it each and every holiday, each and every drop-off and pick up, and even on their wedding day and births of their own children.”

*If considering divorce, their an underlying issue (personality disorder, hormonal imbalance, substance abuse, etc) that can be corrected?

“Divorce does not necessarily solve the problems.”

*For those who are faith-filled, give it over to God. Ask for His help, together!

“Start praying together and pray for each other.”

LOVE THIS! Using technology to help divorcing parents reduce conflict AND put their kids first. Just $13 per month to curb expensive divorce litigation and reduce the emotional devastation!

coParenter is a mission-driven social venture that promotes the well-being of children. We do this by providing education, tools, and technology to help parents communicate, optimize their coParenting skills, and make better, more informed, child-centric decisions for their kids.

https://coparenter.com/our-story/

But above all, we are parents.

Parents, did you know that exposing children to divorce related hate, anger, bad mouthing the other parent, etc can produce long term, negative psychological effects. It takes loving your children more than you hate your ex to stop the nastiness. I urge you to look at the bigger picture.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-lasting-effects-of-ta_b_2538091

The #1 Reason You Shouldn’t Trash Talk Your Ex You might not as tempted to say negative things after you read these stories.

Great guidelines for divorcing parents on how to you can help your children succeed.

Parent Education (Co-parenting) classes have been designed for the purpose of sharing information with parents about the impact that divorce, the restructuring of families and the court's involvement in your case can have on your child.

Children whose parents are separating or who are already divorced must make a big adjustment. They need lots of special attention. The good news is that it is possible to protect, love, and nurture your child even though you are no longer together with the other parent! Here are a few tips to help you identify your child's particular needs. With a little extra "know how," you can personally help your child succeed now and after your separation or divorce.

Listen To Your Child - Your child's statements are important. Children's feelings of fear, confusion and anger during the separation or divorce are often reflected in their statements.

Talk To Your Child - Your child may not understand that the separation or divorce was not his or her fault. In fact, some children blame themselves for the problems that parents experience with each other. Help your child understand that the divorce or separation is not their fault, and that your child is not being "divorced" by the parents.

Be There To Comfort - There will be times when your child will display behavior that may appear disruptive. Remember that your children will need to know they are loved, they will be cared for, and that both parents will still be their mom and dad.

Protect Your Child From Disagreements - If you include your child in conversations or disagreements about the other parent, your child will become insecure and uncomfortable around you. Children should never be placed in the middle of a disagreement between parents or made into messengers, or overhear you making derogatory remarks about the other parent.

Praise Your Child - Praising your child will help them grow up feeling very good about themselves. When children feel good about themselves, it is easier to understand that although their parents are no longer together, both parents still love them.

Have Fun With Your Child - Your child needs to spend quality time with you regardless of how difficult your divorce or separation may be. Having fun allows parents and children to feel good about their relationship.

https://www.azlawhelp.org/articles_info.cfm?mc=1&sc=3&articleid=47

Family and Children > Divorce & Annulment > Parent Education Classes For more information and to participate in the public comment period visit the Legal Services Task Force or to leave the Foundation a comment about the proposed changes, share your thoughts here

Co-parenting: Some great tips to reduce conflict and help put your kids first!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201203/the-dos-and-donts-co-parenting-well%3famp

The Do's and Don'ts of Co-Parenting Well Effective problem solving can help you avoid getting depressed.

A little “country perspective” on the emotional highs and lows of co-parenting. “My whole world—it begins and ends with you.” Putting your kids first, at it’s best!

https://pandora.app.link/hszzAS2os4

Highway 20 Ride (Live) Zac Brown Band - Pandora

Dr. Harman's words are raw and accurate. Parental behaviors are a choice. If you chose parental alienation (outside of circumstances of abuse), please know that you are damaging your children. Parents, please put your children first!

"Parental alienation is the set of behaviors that one parent does to damage, destroy, or severe the relationship between children and the other parent. This can include bad mouthing the other parent to the child, denying visitation, falsely accusing other parent of abuse to gain custody, making the child afraid to be with the other parent. This behavior can also include grandparents, step parents and extended family members. The impact on children is severe and can be considered child abuse."

"Children consider both parents important to their own identity. When they are led to believe that one part of their identity is bad or doesn't love them, this has disasterous consequences for their development. The alienated children develop physchological disorders, suffer academic decline and have an inability to develop healthy relationships themselves. Many are suicidal. Parental alienation is a form of indirect aggression. The true target of the aggression is the other parent. The children are their weapons. Therefore parental alienation is a form of domestic violence."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3YdldNXZnQ

Parental Alienation | Jennifer Harman | TEDxCSU Parental alienation is a devastating problem affecting millions of families around the world. Unfortunately, much like how we addressed domestic violence sev...

Open conflict in your marriage or divorce affects your child’s mind and body. Don’t engage—settle it another way.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cKcNyfXbQzQ&feature=youtu.be

The impact of divorce on children: Tamara D. Afifi at TEDxUCSB Tamara Afifi is a Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB. Most of her research focuses on how family members cope communicatively with various ...

https://apple.news/AsN6PpWFEQDmq4pVfdVbcWw

When Parents Divorce, Apps Can Reduce the Child-Custody Acrimony — The Wall Street Journal Co-parenting apps may not solve every communication problem between divorcing parents, but experts say the technology’s benefits can ease the stress on children caught in the crossfire.

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/10-positive-co-parenting-tips

10 Positive Co-Parenting Tips These 10 simple co-parenting tips can turn your bad communication habits into successful co-parenting strategies.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/parenting/age-children-traumatized-divorce/amp/

This is the Age When Children are Most Traumatized by a Divorce Babies and teens may be able to weather a divorce but elementary school children need very special care when the family breaks down.

Divorce, without damaging kids.
As Adult Survivors of Childhood Divorce, our shared experiences and knowledge can help today's divorcing families thrive.
What was your divorce experience as a child? Now, as an adult?
What did your family do that went well?
What could have been done differently?
Who was your biggest support/mentor?
What advice would you offer divorcing or blending families today?