Touch of Flavor

We're building relationships outside of the box. Our official Facebook group is here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/atouchofflavor/ Since 2008, our mission has been to equip those building relationships outside the box with the tools they need to thrive.

Our primary focus is helping those in non-monogamous relationships reconnect with their partners, navigate conflict, and overcome jealousy and resentment. One way we do this is by working with couples and groups to create massive changes in their relationships a matter of weeks. Polyamorous and looking to get started? The first thing you should do is take our free training: https://atouchofflavor.com/pillars.

Operating as usual

Photos from Touch of Flavor's post 05/25/2021

One of the worst feelings in the world is to be in the same room, or the same bed, but to be miles apart.

You finally have a couple of hours to spend together. And your partner is across the living room fixated on their phone. Again.

You're having sex, and it’s clear your partner is somewhere else. (Where? With who?)

That feels awful.

But what’s the difference?

Why is it that sometimes two hours together makes you feel abandoned, and other times it makes you special and loved?

What's the difference between sex that makes you feel like the most desired person in the world, and sex that makes you feel ugly and alone?

Simple. The difference is presence.

I’ve been thinking a LOT about presence lately.

We recently brought our nesting partner Amanda on full-time at Touch of Flavor. And a couple of weeks ago, we decided to take advantage of the fact that all the adults in our house work from home. So the three of us took our two kids and headed out for a little working vacation.

We went to the mountains a couple of hours away from our house. We stayed in a so-so Airbnb. We didn’t do anything extravagant, the most expensive thing we did was take the kids to an outdoor petting zoo.

We still worked most days. When we weren’t working, we spent most of our time hiking and climbing... the same things we do at home. And since we were crammed into a smaller space with the kids, there was less sex/play than an average week.

You wouldn't think it would be anything special. And yet it was an amazing, connected experience.

Why? Because when we weren't working, we were focused on being totally present with each other. And that made all the difference.

We all know presence is awesome. We all want more of it in our relationships.

But what does it take to actually be present? The answer is simpler than you may think.

Being present simply requires getting everything else out of the way.

Think about it. Being present is our natural state. Even for someone like me who has ADHD.

It’s when we start to pile on all our distractions and worries and challenges that it’s impossible to be present.

And that's a problem. Because for many of us, our relationships are the most distracting things in our lives.

We spend our time together locked in arguments or having the same conversations on loop...

We're resentful about needs and wants that haven't been getting met. Sometimes for years...

Instead of spending our time enjoying each other, we spend it worrying — or talking — about other partners...

We wonder: Are we going to be left behind? What does the future look like? Do we even HAVE a future?

And when these worries or distractions are clouding our minds, it's impossible to be truly present.

So how do you fix this? How do you get back to a point where you can be present and connected and actually enjoy your time together?

The answer simple, but not easy:

You fix the things that are standing in the way.

You get back the love and excitement…

You start coming to solutions, and getting everybody’s needs met…

You banish the jealousy and gain the confidence that you’ll never lose your place in your partner's life...

You get your relationship so secure, that you can't even imagine HOW you ever had doubts...

You FINALLY get back on the same team.

Once those other distractions are out of the way, THEN you can focus on enjoying what you have.

So what made it possible to be present with each other (and the kids) during vacation?

Sure, getting away and having more time as a family helped. But family time can just as easily turn negative when you have problems in the background.

The key that allowed us to be present is that our relationship was solid.

We were communicating well. We were working together as a team. And most importantly, our future is exciting and bright rather than uncertain and scary.

That's how you get to a place that you can be present in your relationship(s).

And it’s completely possible. But it’s not easy. Especially if your problems are severe, or you've been stuck in them for a long time

So, are you ready to heal the problems in your relationship so you can FINALLY be present with your family (and life)?

We can help. Book a free call with us, and let’s talk about how to make that happen for you.

But only book that call if you’re sick and tired of being lonely and disconnected. And if you are 100% ready to fix that now.

Because building a relationship to the point you’re able to finally have that presence isn't easy.

But I promise you, it is absolutely worth it.

Book a call here: https://buff.ly/3fHNwtQ

- Josh

PS

Trying to be present while you have anxiety and jealousy and resentment in the background is like re-doing the carpet while your house is on fire. No matter how hard you try, it doesn't work.

If you’re ready to fix those problems so you can finally be present in your relationships (and life), let's chat.
atouchofflavor.com/lp/call

05/21/2021

The Amazing Chris and Lelly!

What would it be like to completely reset your relationship? To have, as we teach our clients, a "day zero?" To put the arguments and history behind you and to move forward together as a team?

Pretty awesome, right?

That's exactly what Chris and Lelly did.

When they came to us they had patterns that had been festering in their relationship for YEARS.

They couldn't communicate. Chris was constantly frustrated. Lelly felt like she couldn't do anything right.

And then to top it all off, Chris had discovered he was non-monogamous. And even though they had tired for three years, they couldn't find a path forward.

But now?

Chris and Lelly have FINALLY put the past behind them. They're approaching all their challenges—polyamory, children, house fires, COVID—as a team.

And that's made all the difference. The arguments have stopped. They're more secure than ever before. They are able to show up better in every area of their life. And the people around them are asking: how did they make such a tremendous shift?

Want to know how they did it? Watch this interview.

#125: DADT, Metamour Hate, and Quality Time 05/19/2021

#125: DADT, Metamour Hate, and Quality Time

How do you deal with jealousy in a new relationship? How do you make Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) work? What do you do when your partner hates your other partner? In today's episode, we answer these questions and more.

atouchofflavor.com/125

#125: DADT, Metamour Hate, and Quality Time How do you deal with jealousy in a new relationship? How do you make Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) work? In today's episode, we answer these questions and more.

05/18/2021

It’s funny how we are all raised on this idea that in order to have lasting relationships we have to somehow give up on our big dreams.

We resign our relationships to one day becoming a negative relationship trope such as:

-The lovers turned roommates who knew nothing about each other’s lives.
-The bickering and nagging old married folks.
-The resentful co-parents who are only in it for the kids.
-The backstabbing partners with unspoken affairs and little white lies.
-The ones who seem to have it all... the house… the cars… you name it... but have not been in love in 15 years.

Why wouldn’t we? After all, when we talk about stability we talk about SETTLING down…
Settling is what we have come to expect of our relationships, our partners, and ourselves.
We believe it is the “natural” course of a relationship.

But I want to set things straight right now! The best non-monogamous relationships do NOT require lowering your standards, giving up on your dreams, or settling!

Despite the widely held belief that you have to “settle” to make it for the long haul, settling and “trying to make it work” is exactly what causes so many non-monogamous folks to:

-Become resentful
-Grow apart
-Give up on their future
-Feel hopeless
-Eventually give up

I know this goes beyond some of the conventional advice but:

-You SHOULDN’T be giving up on your own needs to make it work.
-You DON’T need to spend endless hours processing problems.
-You WILL NOT SUCCEED if you wait for your partner to join you in making things better.
-Your relationship CAN’T afford you and your partners to continue to rehash the same conversations over and over (even if you have a therapist to witness it).

And that is why it is so important to know what to do. Instead of getting stuck doing things that are proven NOT to work, our clients are making a few simple but critical changes.

By using our proven process they are creating their dream relationships. Relationships that are overflowing with joy, connection, playfulness, and passion!

I know for some of you that seems like such a fantasy because :

-You are currently feeling a lack of communication or luster in your relationship.
-You are exhausted from bickering and not getting your needs met.
-You are starting to feel hopeless.
-You haven’t seen a positive lasting change.

I want to liberate you with a powerful truth...

Most of our clients have felt all those things at one point too.

It is scary. It does hurt. It isn’t easy.

But if you’re ready to see the change, we can get you there. Go ahead and book a free call here:
atouchofflavor.com/talk

On that call, we get you clear on what really isn’t working and the best course of action to take your relationship from where it is now, to where it deserves to be.

Life is too short. Don’t settle. It’s time to up-level your relationships.

-Cassie

It’s funny how we are all raised on this idea that in order to have lasting relationships we have to somehow give up on our big dreams.

We resign our relationships to one day becoming a negative relationship trope such as:

-The lovers turned roommates who knew nothing about each other’s lives.
-The bickering and nagging old married folks.
-The resentful co-parents who are only in it for the kids.
-The backstabbing partners with unspoken affairs and little white lies.
-The ones who seem to have it all... the house… the cars… you name it... but have not been in love in 15 years.

Why wouldn’t we? After all, when we talk about stability we talk about SETTLING down…
Settling is what we have come to expect of our relationships, our partners, and ourselves.
We believe it is the “natural” course of a relationship.

But I want to set things straight right now! The best non-monogamous relationships do NOT require lowering your standards, giving up on your dreams, or settling!

Despite the widely held belief that you have to “settle” to make it for the long haul, settling and “trying to make it work” is exactly what causes so many non-monogamous folks to:

-Become resentful
-Grow apart
-Give up on their future
-Feel hopeless
-Eventually give up

I know this goes beyond some of the conventional advice but:

-You SHOULDN’T be giving up on your own needs to make it work.
-You DON’T need to spend endless hours processing problems.
-You WILL NOT SUCCEED if you wait for your partner to join you in making things better.
-Your relationship CAN’T afford you and your partners to continue to rehash the same conversations over and over (even if you have a therapist to witness it).

And that is why it is so important to know what to do. Instead of getting stuck doing things that are proven NOT to work, our clients are making a few simple but critical changes.

By using our proven process they are creating their dream relationships. Relationships that are overflowing with joy, connection, playfulness, and passion!

I know for some of you that seems like such a fantasy because :

-You are currently feeling a lack of communication or luster in your relationship.
-You are exhausted from bickering and not getting your needs met.
-You are starting to feel hopeless.
-You haven’t seen a positive lasting change.

I want to liberate you with a powerful truth...

Most of our clients have felt all those things at one point too.

It is scary. It does hurt. It isn’t easy.

But if you’re ready to see the change, we can get you there. Go ahead and book a free call here:
atouchofflavor.com/talk

On that call, we get you clear on what really isn’t working and the best course of action to take your relationship from where it is now, to where it deserves to be.

Life is too short. Don’t settle. It’s time to up-level your relationships.

-Cassie

#124: 5 Reasons Polyamory Is Beautiful - Touch of Flavor 05/14/2021

#124: 5 Reasons Polyamory Is Beautiful - Touch of Flavor

Today we’re talking about five reasons polyamory can be beautiful… and why you should never accept anything less.

#124: 5 Reasons Polyamory Is Beautiful - Touch of Flavor Today we're talking about five reasons polyamory can be beautiful... and why you should never accept anything less.

Timeline Photos 05/14/2021

We often see the question: “What rules do you need when first opening a relationship?”

And the responses tend to be:

“We have as few rules as possible.”

“Have fun!”

“Just take care of each other”

Which is really dangerous advice.

Now to be clear, the best rule IS no rules. Because you shouldn’t be making rules in your relationships. And spoiler alert, we’re not going to give you a list of rules.

What you should be doing is setting boundaries, and creating agreements. If you don’t know the difference, check out this video 👇
https://buff.ly/2Rl3SAh

But many times when folks give these answers, they aren’t saying to avoid RULES. They’re telling you to avoid AGREEMENTS.

And that’s a lazy, disastrous way to approach non-monogamy.

Look, I get where these folks are coming from.

Making the agreements needed to open a relationship requires hard conversations. Coming to grips with your own wants and insecurities. Acknowledging that this is REALLY happening. And it can seem so much easier to say “f**k it” and just jump in.

But when you do that, you’re trading comfort in the moment for heartbreak in the future.

Why?

Because when you don’t know where the lines are, it’s impossible to avoid crossing them.

I call this the “landmine method” of navigating agreements. It looks like this:

Folks avoid making agreements upfront. Either because of the discomfort or because they don’t know what agreements to make.

So they cruise along until something happens. They use a pet name with their new partner. They fall in love. They have sex on a date.

And suddenly they discover that their partner was NOT OK with that and WHY DIDN’T THEY KNOW BETTER!?!

And after a week or month of tears and blame and arguing, one of two things happens:

One partner demands that the other person breaks up with everyone else. Opening the relationship goes on hold. And this often turns out to be indefinite.

OR

Folks make an agreement around the thing that blew up. Things smooth out for a while until the NEXT land mine gets stepped on.

This cycle repeats until either: a) the relationship is too damaged to continue, or b) non-monogamy is off the table.

And not letting a non-monogamous person be themselves causes its own misery.

So if you’re new to non-monogamy, do NOT listen to the people who are telling you to jump in with no agreements. That’s how relationships implode and families are torn apart.

Figure out what you need and want. Have the hard discussions. Find the middle ground. Make those agreements with your partner.

Then (and only then), start exploring.

And if you’ve been trying to make agreements but can’t find that middle ground?

If you’ve been stuck having the same conversations over and over?

If you’ve been “opening” your relationship for months (or years) with no progress?

That doesn’t mean it’s time to throw it all away by jumping in unprepared. It means you need guidance.

Hop on the phone with our team and let’s chat about where you’re stuck and how we can help. 👉 https://buff.ly/3w71wEa

We often see the question: “What rules do you need when first opening a relationship?”

And the responses tend to be:

“We have as few rules as possible.”

“Have fun!”

“Just take care of each other”

Which is really dangerous advice.

Now to be clear, the best rule IS no rules. Because you shouldn’t be making rules in your relationships. And spoiler alert, we’re not going to give you a list of rules.

What you should be doing is setting boundaries, and creating agreements. If you don’t know the difference, check out this video 👇
https://buff.ly/2Rl3SAh

But many times when folks give these answers, they aren’t saying to avoid RULES. They’re telling you to avoid AGREEMENTS.

And that’s a lazy, disastrous way to approach non-monogamy.

Look, I get where these folks are coming from.

Making the agreements needed to open a relationship requires hard conversations. Coming to grips with your own wants and insecurities. Acknowledging that this is REALLY happening. And it can seem so much easier to say “f**k it” and just jump in.

But when you do that, you’re trading comfort in the moment for heartbreak in the future.

Why?

Because when you don’t know where the lines are, it’s impossible to avoid crossing them.

I call this the “landmine method” of navigating agreements. It looks like this:

Folks avoid making agreements upfront. Either because of the discomfort or because they don’t know what agreements to make.

So they cruise along until something happens. They use a pet name with their new partner. They fall in love. They have sex on a date.

And suddenly they discover that their partner was NOT OK with that and WHY DIDN’T THEY KNOW BETTER!?!

And after a week or month of tears and blame and arguing, one of two things happens:

One partner demands that the other person breaks up with everyone else. Opening the relationship goes on hold. And this often turns out to be indefinite.

OR

Folks make an agreement around the thing that blew up. Things smooth out for a while until the NEXT land mine gets stepped on.

This cycle repeats until either: a) the relationship is too damaged to continue, or b) non-monogamy is off the table.

And not letting a non-monogamous person be themselves causes its own misery.

So if you’re new to non-monogamy, do NOT listen to the people who are telling you to jump in with no agreements. That’s how relationships implode and families are torn apart.

Figure out what you need and want. Have the hard discussions. Find the middle ground. Make those agreements with your partner.

Then (and only then), start exploring.

And if you’ve been trying to make agreements but can’t find that middle ground?

If you’ve been stuck having the same conversations over and over?

If you’ve been “opening” your relationship for months (or years) with no progress?

That doesn’t mean it’s time to throw it all away by jumping in unprepared. It means you need guidance.

Hop on the phone with our team and let’s chat about where you’re stuck and how we can help. 👉 https://buff.ly/3w71wEa

Our Story

One belief that lies at the core of everything we do: Our relationships are the most important things in our lives.

The good news is that with the right tools even a relationship that seems hopeless can be transformed into something extraordinary. The bad news is that when you’re polyamorous, or kinky, or just don’t fit into the box society wants to shove you in, good advice is hard to come by.

Since 2008, our mission has been to equip those building relationships outside the box with the tools they need to thrive.

Our primary focus is helping those in non-monogamous relationships reconnect with their partners, navigate conflict, and overcome jealousy and resentment. One way we do this is by working with couples and groups to create massive changes in their relationships a matter of weeks.

Videos (show all)

The Amazing Chris and Lelly!
He thought they were done with non-monogamy. She didn’t.
The Problem with Non-Monogamous FB Groups
3 Steps To Fix Resentment (and why it’s not a dirty word)
But What If I'm Cheating?
"Spend More Time Together" is Awful Advice
A Call for Non-Monogamous Experts To Get Serious About Client Results
She transformed her relationship WITHOUT her partner
Why A Lack Of Clarity Is Ruining Your Relationships
Your partner is in NRE... What do you do?
Circumstance, Luck and Path
The Three Options

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