Touch of Flavor

We're building relationships outside of the box. Our official Facebook group is here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/atouchofflavor/ Since 2008, our mission has been to equip those building relationships outside the box with the tools they need to thrive.

Our primary focus is helping those in non-monogamous relationships reconnect with their partners, navigate conflict, and overcome jealousy and resentment. One way we do this is by working with couples and groups to create massive changes in their relationships in a matter of weeks. Polyamorous and looking to get started? The first thing you should do is take our free training: https://bit.ly/3v0qFzh.

Operating as usual

08/22/2021

One of my favorite things to do is to go to a dinner theater. I am actually a big fan of musicals.

There is something beautiful about listening to the diverse voices and live music. Just the other day, I was looking through some musicals to stream and I saw "Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change".

For those who have never seen it, it’s a musical comedy. Basically, it is designed to show the overall arc to relationships throughout one's life.

Going from your first date to getting engaged, to dealing with marriage before, and then after child-rearing. It does focus on relationships that are “traditional” monogamous and heteronormative in nature. 🙄

But it does highlight a sad truth that we see in all relationships. Non-monogamous ones included. It is this:

We meet someone, fall madly in love, scream their praises to the mountain tops, get deeply entwined.

🤷‍♀️ THEN….we try to change them.

We know this human is definitely our person. We love everything about them, except...well…

-They talk too much.
-They don't talk enough.
-They don't budget finances right.
-They don't fold towels or t-shirts right.
-They don't use the right kind of soap.
-They are too much of a homebody.
-They hang out with their friends too much.
-They don't talk with their family enough.
-They talk to their family too much.
-They don’t eat right.
-They stay up too late.
-They sleep in too long.
-They spend too much time at the gym.
-They don't exercise enough.
-They like DC instead of Marvel (What? How could they?)

Here is the thing, the only constant in our lives is change.

Change comes naturally in any relationship. We MUST evolve over time to stay present to the current movement in our relationships and lives…. or we get stagnate.

But there is a difference between change that happens because of the growth of the individuals and the relationship. And change you try to force.

🗣When it’s forced it feels like criticism and nagging. It pushes our partners away rather than getting them to meet us halfway. When we talk to our clients about transforming their relationships, one of the first things we talk about is focusing on how grateful you are.

So today I am going to ask you to think about some things:

-When was the last time you were truly grateful for the wonderful human(s) you are with?
-When was the last time you were grateful for even their idiosyncrasies that might drive you up a wall?

~VS~

-How much time do you spend trying to manage your partner(s)?
-How much energy do you put into trying to change them?
-Are you tired yet? And are they?

If you know that you have been showing up more from a place of “they need to change”, we get it. It is tough when folks are struggling in their relationships. But the first step to moving into a place of being on the same team and growing together is gratitude.

So today’s homework is to write out why you are truly grateful for your partner(s). Feel free to tag them so they can see. 💚

PS. There may be real challenges in your relationships that need a change. And if you need help getting back on the same team and falling back in love with your partner(s) again, we are always here. Feel free to shoot us a message.

-Cassie

One of my favorite things to do is to go to a dinner theater. I am actually a big fan of musicals.

There is something beautiful about listening to the diverse voices and live music. Just the other day, I was looking through some musicals to stream and I saw "Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change".

For those who have never seen it, it’s a musical comedy. Basically, it is designed to show the overall arc to relationships throughout one's life.

Going from your first date to getting engaged, to dealing with marriage before, and then after child-rearing. It does focus on relationships that are “traditional” monogamous and heteronormative in nature. 🙄

But it does highlight a sad truth that we see in all relationships. Non-monogamous ones included. It is this:

We meet someone, fall madly in love, scream their praises to the mountain tops, get deeply entwined.

🤷‍♀️ THEN….we try to change them.

We know this human is definitely our person. We love everything about them, except...well…

-They talk too much.
-They don't talk enough.
-They don't budget finances right.
-They don't fold towels or t-shirts right.
-They don't use the right kind of soap.
-They are too much of a homebody.
-They hang out with their friends too much.
-They don't talk with their family enough.
-They talk to their family too much.
-They don’t eat right.
-They stay up too late.
-They sleep in too long.
-They spend too much time at the gym.
-They don't exercise enough.
-They like DC instead of Marvel (What? How could they?)

Here is the thing, the only constant in our lives is change.

Change comes naturally in any relationship. We MUST evolve over time to stay present to the current movement in our relationships and lives…. or we get stagnate.

But there is a difference between change that happens because of the growth of the individuals and the relationship. And change you try to force.

🗣When it’s forced it feels like criticism and nagging. It pushes our partners away rather than getting them to meet us halfway. When we talk to our clients about transforming their relationships, one of the first things we talk about is focusing on how grateful you are.

So today I am going to ask you to think about some things:

-When was the last time you were truly grateful for the wonderful human(s) you are with?
-When was the last time you were grateful for even their idiosyncrasies that might drive you up a wall?

~VS~

-How much time do you spend trying to manage your partner(s)?
-How much energy do you put into trying to change them?
-Are you tired yet? And are they?

If you know that you have been showing up more from a place of “they need to change”, we get it. It is tough when folks are struggling in their relationships. But the first step to moving into a place of being on the same team and growing together is gratitude.

So today’s homework is to write out why you are truly grateful for your partner(s). Feel free to tag them so they can see. 💚

PS. There may be real challenges in your relationships that need a change. And if you need help getting back on the same team and falling back in love with your partner(s) again, we are always here. Feel free to shoot us a message.

-Cassie

08/20/2021

Big Announcement!

HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT!

If you're non-monogamous and you've been having trouble finding and dating compatible partners, watch this video right now.

If AFTER watching you want to take advantage of this opportunity before it disappears for another three years, apply for a call here 👇

https://bit.ly/3AV0WeU

[08/13/21]   👩‍👩‍👦Coming Out Intentionally👨‍👨‍👧‍👦

Some time ago, my husband and I were having a conversation with one of our partners (let’s call her Rachel). She was talking to us about a prior relationship in which she had dated a couple. Rachel would go over to their house on Wednesdays and Thursdays and the three of them would hang out. On the weekends, the couple would go out with friends or family.

But she wasn’t invited because they didn’t want people to know about their relationship. Rachel wasn’t even invited to kinky parties because the couple was (supposedly) monogamous. And the few times people did catch the three of them together, the couple introduced Rachel as a friend. If you keep in mind that these three were supposed to be dating it’s understandable that the relationship didn’t last long. As Rachel told us, “I want to be a Saturday night girl sometimes too.”

📌Not coming out may ruin your relationships📌

If you’re building a relationship, no one wants to be the dirty little secret forever. Most partners want to be able to be seen with you in public. They want to spend holidays with you. They want to meet your family if things get serious enough. They want to be acknowledged as part of your life. If you treat them like second-class citizens in their own relationships, they’re eventually going to find someone else who isn’t ashamed of them.

📌When should I come out?📌

First and foremost, you should never feel forced into coming out before you’re ready. But as we already discussed, your decision to come out (or not) can affect your partner(s) as well. Different partners are going to have different feelings about how much acknowledgment they want at different points in the relationship. Some partners may have their own reasons for not wanting you to out the relationship.

🔸CONSIDER THIS RULE OF THUMB:🔸

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But, there is a guideline that works for our clients. Assuming your partner is OK with you coming out about them:

Come out about a particular relationship, to particular people, when not doing so would require dishonesty.

This provides a great balance between acknowledging your partners’ roles in your life. And avoiding needless drama.

🔸WANT A REAL-WORLD EXAMPLE?🔸

My husband’s parents are very religious. He only sees them a few times a year. For several years, the fact that they didn’t know he’s polyamorous had no negative effects on our relationships. He felt the only thing he had to gain by coming out was a lot of drama.

However, several years ago, Easter came around. My husband had to make the decision:

-Ditching a primary partner and her kids on Easter.
-Taking this partner to his parents but pretending she was just a friend.
-Coming out to his parents.
He came out (and it went about as well as he expected).

My parents, on the other hand, have known for years that we’re non-monogamous because I see them regularly. Keeping them in the dark would have required me to lie to them for years about partners’ roles in our lives.

📌How should I come out?📌

“Well Cassie, wanting to come out is all fine and dandy,” you may be saying, “but how do I actually do it?” Glad you asked! Here are some specific suggestions for different situations:

🔸TELLING THE LITTLE PEOPLE🔸

There’s one thing you have to realize about kids and open relationships:
Our children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I like to tell the story about a time when a partner’s children came home and immediately ran upstairs looking for my husband and I.
What gave it away? They saw our shoes next to the front door.

If you have a partner who is around your kids, they’re eventually going to realize something is going on.

But when your kids know you’re romantically involved with someone and see you trying to hide it, they assume you’re doing something wrong. The last thing you want your kids to think is that there’s something immoral about your relationship. Or that you’re cheating on your spouse. And when your kids realize you’ve lied to them… about anything… they hold that against you forever.

So, when should you tell your kids about a partner? See guideline above. Come out to them about a relationship when not doing so would require dishonesty. A friend with benefits might honestly be introduced as a friend. Someone you only play with at parties likely doesn’t need to be introduced to your kids at all.

But someone who spends several days a week at your home. And spends the night in your room… that’s likely going to require an explanation. Just keep your explanation age-appropriate.

The good news is that in my experience, kids are incredibly accepting of open relationships, especially when introduced to the concept at a younger age. It’s the adults in your life you’re more likely to have problems with.

Speaking of which:

🔸TALKING TO THE BIO-FAMILY🔸

I always suggest meeting your family in public and on neutral ground if you’re coming out. Restaurants are great. People tend to behave themselves much better in public than they might in private. If for some reason things get physical or otherwise out of control, there are other people around to intervene. Pro tip: If you are dealing with family members who have trouble controlling themselves when drinking, pick a venue without alcohol.

Before coming out to a family member, it’s always good to consider if you’re reliant on that person for child care. If so, you should have some alternate arrangements in place before coming out. I’ve seen families try to leverage child care against relationships they don’t approve of.

🔸CONFESSING AT WORK🔸

Oh, work. Work is a tough one. Compared to coming out to friends and family, coming out at work often carries the most risk for the least benefit. It may be the last place you decide to come out.

Evaluate your risk. Can you be fired at will? How progressive or conservative is your work culture? What are your workplace’s policies about discrimination? How well do you get along with your supervisors?

On the other hand, if you work in a position (such as the government) where you have to disclose situations that could leave you open for blackmail. You might be better off putting your cards on the table.

Either way, if you do decide you want to come out at work, I have a suggestion. Have a legal resource like the NCSF on speed dial in case you run into trouble. If you’re unionized, you may also want to reach out to your rep in advance to see if the union will back you in case of job issues.

🔸HAVE A THRIVING RELATIONSHIP🔸

Coming out to friends, family, coworkers, etc. is stressful. There are also possible risks. Coming out creates new challenges, regardless of how positive the outcomes are. So you want to set yourself and your partners up to win from the start. That means having your relationships in order.

You don't want to go through all the work and possible battles only for your relationship to fall apart. "Proving" the naysayers in your life correct.

It's true, all relationships (no matter the structure) have difficulties. But it makes it even harder to explain your unique relationships as a positive force. Especially when that relationship is struggling.

If your relationship is in a place of turbulence, we got you! Set up a free breakthrough call with us. We help non-monogamous folks turn their relationships around every day.
You can book your call here:
https://bit.ly/3g06GMG

📌The bottom line📌

Coming out is an immensely personal decision with personal consequences. The when and how of coming out is going to be different for each individual. Just remember, few people like to be the dirty little secret forever.

-Cassie

08/12/2021

It still amazes me how many people don't believe a happy, stress-free polyamorous relationship is possible.

We speak to people every day who worry their relationship(s) will always be filled with arguments, jealousy, anxiety, and stress. But that doesn’t have to be true.

The clients we work with DO make their polyamorous relationships work. And not only that, they make them THRIVE.

Their relationships are loving, secure, fulfilling, and above all ... Exciting.

We've helped literally hundreds of people do this, using five little-known principles that are the key to turning ANY non-monogamous relationship up to 11.

So we put together a free class we want to share with this community.

To discover the exact steps our clients use to create thriving non-monogamous relationships, register for our class.

(and if you missed it before, now's your chance!!!)

It’s an hour of your time today, in exchange for YEARS of happiness in the future.

Check out the free class here:
https://bit.ly/3v5w6g9

- Cassie

It still amazes me how many people don't believe a happy, stress-free polyamorous relationship is possible.

We speak to people every day who worry their relationship(s) will always be filled with arguments, jealousy, anxiety, and stress. But that doesn’t have to be true.

The clients we work with DO make their polyamorous relationships work. And not only that, they make them THRIVE.

Their relationships are loving, secure, fulfilling, and above all ... Exciting.

We've helped literally hundreds of people do this, using five little-known principles that are the key to turning ANY non-monogamous relationship up to 11.

So we put together a free class we want to share with this community.

To discover the exact steps our clients use to create thriving non-monogamous relationships, register for our class.

(and if you missed it before, now's your chance!!!)

It’s an hour of your time today, in exchange for YEARS of happiness in the future.

Check out the free class here:
https://bit.ly/3v5w6g9

- Cassie

08/11/2021

The Three Options

A few months back, Josh did a video intended for the monogamous half of poly/mono relationships. We were bombarded with feedback that this video is just as relevant for the polyamorous half.

Because when you're in a monogamous relationship and you discover you're NON-monogamous, you have three options. Only three.

Here's what they are:

08/09/2021

We Are Not Objective

I like to think I'm a sensible, objective person. Chances are you like to think the same about yourself.

Which is why it can be so painful to realize how bad we humans are at objectively judging emotionally charged topics. Like, say... our relationships.

Yep. The truth is, most of us SUCK at objectively judging how good... or bad... our relationships are. As the saying goes, it's hard to see the water from inside the fishbowl.

This is a big enough challenge when we downplay the good in our relationships. But it's even more dangerous when we ignore the warning signs that are staring us in the face.

Want to learn more? Watch this short video:

https://www.facebook.com/ATouchOfFlavor/videos/2812696268949604

Our Story

One belief that lies at the core of everything we do: Our relationships are the most important things in our lives.

The good news is that with the right tools even a relationship that seems hopeless can be transformed into something extraordinary. The bad news is that when you’re polyamorous, or kinky, or just don’t fit into the box society wants to shove you in, good advice is hard to come by.

Since 2008, our mission has been to equip those building relationships outside the box with the tools they need to thrive.

Our primary focus is helping those in non-monogamous relationships reconnect with their partners, navigate conflict, and overcome jealousy and resentment. One way we do this is by working with couples and groups to create massive changes in their relationships a matter of weeks.

Videos (show all)

Big Announcement!
The Problem With Relationship Anarchy
Will your relationship survive the end of COVID?
5 Ways To Spot A Clueless Therapist
The Truth About Relationship Anxiety
What Humans With ADHD Need to Know about Non-Monogamy
The Amazing Chris and Lelly!
He thought they were done with non-monogamy. She didn’t.
The Problem with Non-Monogamous FB Groups
3 Steps To Fix Resentment (and why it’s not a dirty word)

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