Kids & Learning: How can we help?

Look to the Children

Children show us windows of hope. Through the actions of our young, we can imagine a future filled with greater kindness than the reality we often share today.

Let’s do our best not to mess this up!

One evening my son, both grown grandsons, one granddaughter-in-law, three great grandchildren, and I met for dinner under a pavilion designed for pet owners to share with their dogs. A large, covered area provided a shaded space for pets and children to play. Numerous water bowls and faucets allowed pet owners to hydrate their animals.

Daisy and Wren availed themselves of opportunities to meet other children. Baby Vivi spent most of the event sleeping peacefully. Her days to play are ahead of her. Suddenly, Daisy realized the purpose of the numerous silver bowls stacked near various water faucets. Quickly, she enlisted the help of other children and they began to fill bowls with cool water.

Watching the children fill bowls, splash water on themselves and one another, and place the bowls around the perimeter of the pavilion, I listened to their laughter and their celebrations about the work they were sharing. It was not lost on me that two of the children were Black with blond hair braided neatly down their backs. The only boy was a cotton-headed, blue-eyed male with light skin. My great-granddaughter, Daisy, with her mixture of Native Americans from Mexico, Hispanics from Texas, and Anglo ancestors worked with the others to get the job done.

In my excitement, I pointed out the peaceful and happy engagement of the children to other parents. The Black father said, “This is the way all of America should look.” Yes, I thought. These children see their differences in shades of skin, hair, and eyes and they know that these slight variations make absolutely no difference. Any why should these qualities matter? The kids realized that a job needed tending and they stepped up joyfully to fill the need. If only adults could be as wise as children.

Countless behaviors deserve consequences that promote learning and respect. Please consider some startling words and actions children can make that deserve special attention.

A CHILD GETS ANGRY

Encourage the child to take a calm down break and return when she feels better. If possible, identify a location ahead of time. Emphasize that this is not a punishment. Instead, you are promoting a way to manage upsets calmly.

It may be even better if a parent can go with the child to the calm down place.

· Ask, “What do you want?

· Why is that important?”

· Do your best to help the child find a solution. Any time it is possible, talk about solutions. Plant the solution seed early and often.

Provide safe ways for the child to express the anger and get their anger/fear/jealousy out. For example, ask the child to:

· Draw a picture of the anger.

· Write a story about the anger (if older).

· Let the child record a story about the anger on your phone.

· Squish something like playdoh, clay, or mud to get anger out.

· Ahead of time, teach the child to use deep breathing to get calm. Practice when calm.

· Buy some stress balls to squeeze anger out

A FOUR-YEAR-OLD SAYS A WORD YOU DO NOT WANT HIM TO USE

The child happily asks, “What the f_ _ _?”

With a calm face, say, “That is not appropriate.”

Unhelpful replies might be,

· Laughing

· Asking, “Where did you learn that?”

· Scolding with words such as bad, dirty, or shame on you

· Punishing

YOUR CHILD TAKES A TOY FROM A STORE WITHOUT PAYIHNG

“Oh! I didn’t realize this was so important to you. We all make mistakes at times. Taking this toy was a mistake because we did not pay for it.”

“I’m going to help you correct this. You and I will go to the manager. I want you to give the toy to the manager and apologize. You can say, ‘I make a mistake. Please accept my apology.’” If you need my help, I will be with you.

You do not have to do this alone.

CONCLUSION

We all make mistakes, which offer wonderful ways to learn. Unconditional love really means, “I love you no matter what you say or do.” It does not mean accepting behaviors or words that are not kind or appropriate. The question to ask is, “What do I want this child to learn?”

Sample Consequences That Teach

There are subtle but profound differences between a punishment and a logical consequence. Consequences happen because of choices made. In best cases, there will be a cause-and-effect learning opportunity. For example, after hitting the dog, a child realizes that, after I hit our dog, my parents wouldn’t let me play with our puppy for a while. I want to play with him, so I’m not going to hit him again.

Although occasionally, a consequence can’t happen quickly, logical consequences work best if used immediately

Consequences must be:
• Related to the behavior of the child
• Respectfully communicated without shaming the child
• Reasonable for the child’s ability to understand

Do Not Accept Blaming Others
Don’t we all want to blame others when things go wrong? “It’s not my fault: he was rude to me” can easily become a default refrain. Children learn this early. Conscious Discipline suggests asking the question, “Who is the boss of you?”

Story: Blaming Others
After Mary pushes Juan, he pushes her back. Mom notices and intervenes. Some phrases from the conversation below come from Conscious Discipline.

Juan: “It isn’t my fault. Mary made me push her because she pushed me first.”

Mom: “Does that mean Mary is your boss?

Juan: “No.

Mom: “So, what could you have done instead of pushing her back?”

Juan: “She made me do it.”

Mom: “That is so sad. You probably feel bad that Mary can boss you.”

Juan: “No, she can’t boss me.”

Mom: “How can we solve this problem?”

Juan: “I don’t know.”

Mom: “Can you tell Mary how you feel? What could you say?”

Juan: “Mary, I do not like it when you push me.”

After listening to Juan practice speaking assertively, Mom adds, “What do you want Mary to do instead of pushing you? Can you tell her?”

Juan: “Mary, I do not like it when you push me. I want you to keep your hands off my body.”

Parents and grandparents want each child to take responsibility for her behaviors and choices. A child who blames others gives her power away. How many times have we witnessed adults who continued to give power away by blaming their parents, siblings, schools, governments, or political parties? Claiming power requires taking responsibility for one’s feelings, choices, and decisions to take positive and productive actions to improve situations.

Research shows that a child who receives a consistent dose of punishment and shame for poor choices becomes an adult who lies about issues out of fear. To avoid this outcome, maintain a focus on teaching your child to assume responsibility by finding solutions and solving problems. One child at a time, you can contribute to changing the world into a more responsible, caring environment.

Any time a child stops blaming others and begins to comply with your requests, offer a sincere, “Thank you,” along with a small celebration such as a high five, fist bump, quick dance, large smile, pat on the back, smiley face, or short written note of appreciation. Buying a material reward is not needed or even wanted. Recognize that a child who takes personal responsibility uses willpower to honor your request. That willpower can be destroyed or strengthened by responses from parents and grandparents who love the child.

Blessed By My Grandmother

Growing up in West Texas, I had two grandmothers, two great-grandmothers, and not a single grandfather. My two grandmothers made enormous impacts on my life. Today, I am thinking about my Grandmother Glover.

Grandmother took me to live with her when my mother was dying, and my daddy had finally given up on finding a way to defeat her cancer. At that time, my grandmother was 86 and I was 7. She still cooked, did modest cleaning, worked in her garden, and spent many hours sitting in her rocker. We both treasured times when I sat on the floor, leaned into her legs, and listened to her stories.

Today, I know she did her best to provide love, comfort, and a feeling of safety. She and I spent many hours together as she re-told stories about her parents, her life, and our relatives. I thought, “I’ll remember Grandmother’s stories forever.” I knew they were important and that grandmother was sharing them for a reason.

By 92, Grandmother was still in her bedroom but was in a hospital bed. A live-in nurse slept in her old bed. Soon, Grandmother lost expressive language, and there were no more stories. Each afternoon after school, I rushed home to see her.

As soon as I walked into the room, her wrinkled face lit up with a smile. After climbing onto her bed, I showed her my schoolwork and told her about my day. Although her words were gone, her facial expressions indicated interest.

One day, the nurse showed me a large bruise on the bottom of my grandmother’s right foot. “How could she get bruised? She never gets out of bed,” I asked. Mrs. Peck, the nurse, replied,” Her circulation is so poor that the blood has pooled at the bottom of her foot. If it does not go away, doctors will have to amputate her leg.”

My Grandmother Glover had given birth to six children. All were born in her bed on an East Texas farm. She had never been to a hospital. I could imagine how frightening that would be for her. The pain of an amputation, I knew, would be terrible. And so, that night, I prayed, “God, you know Grandmother is such a good, kind, loving person. Please take her and keep her safe.”

The following night, Auntie sent me to spend the night with my Couch cousins, Susanne and Christie. The following morning, at breakfast, their mother told me that Grandmother had died.

Now, at age 84, I think of my grandmother. Worries creep in about losing my ability to walk, talk, or write. Yet, remembering Grandmother Glover brings peace. She could no longer walk. She could not speak. Yet, her message of love was crystal clear.

Please consider the three behaviors below.

— As a pediatrician reaches out to examine a child’s legs, the child recoils by pulling her legs up to her body. A soundless message fills the room, “Do not touch my legs.” Her actions appear to be filled with self-protective anxiety.

— After months of gaining skills, a child suddenly wants his parents to help with tasks he previously could do. His pride has been replaced with fake helplessness.

— A whiney voice communicating emotions indicates, “I feel small and unimportant. I don’t even know what I want. If I knew, I would explain it to you.

Are these children deliberately being naughty? Patience wears thin. The tendency is to think, I’ve got to teach this kid a lesson.
What if there is no lesson? What if children, who frequently test the limits, do so in desperate bids to feel safe?

When life feels wrong to a baby, a child, a teen, or even an aging grandparent, an internal fight may emerge. Punishment, intended to teach something, compounds insecurity. A parent wonders, “What created this need?” The more important question becomes, “What can we do to alleviate this child’s anxiety?” Several possibilities stand out.

1. The most important issue is to reassure the child of your love. Sit still and look at the child. While looking at her, slowly say, “I see you. I hear you. I’m here for you.”

2. Maintain consistency with regular times for meals and bedtime. Do all you can to maintain a stable, calm environment at home.

3. Parents may need to use logical consequences that demonstrate obvious connections between cause and effect. After struggling through a restaurant meal dominated by his children’s rude behavior, a parent said, “That was not fun. We will wait a while before we go out to eat again. We will also need to talk about courteous restaurant behavior before we try again.”

For these children, this made sense. It was logical. The information was delivered from a parent’s loving heart. Even while helping a child with emotions, the child’s unacceptable behaviors cannot be ignored.

4. The most important understanding — the one we all miss — is this. A child who misbehaves does so for a reason. We wisely check for physical problems first.

5. Emotional questions also must be considered. Has our home life been unstable during the last few weeks or months? Does my child need play therapy?

6. Talk to your child’s teachers. Are the same behaviors showing up at school?

This small child — or teen — or grandparent depend on you to understand, make changes, and love unconditionally. Ask, “What does this child need to be certain, My mom and dad love me?
Also important will be establishing boundaries for appropriate behaviors. The two goals, building feelings of safety and maintaining acceptable behaviors join hands to establish authentic security.

Bottom Line: There are no bad children. There are children desperately trying to get their needs met.

Parenting with Kindness & Consequences Parenting with Kindness & Consequences

When I learned that Ann Stories was listed in the Children’s United States Biographies as one of the best new releases, I felt enormous gratitude.


A Message from the Author:

My newest book, Ann Stories, is not a life-changing piece of literature. It isn’t even an educational book. It might be a fun book for children through grandparents to read.

A rural spot, called Barstow, Texas provided the setting for most of the stories. I gained new insights about my parents, grandmothers, and family members as I wrote Ann’s stories. My parents maintained a climate of love, and I owe them so much. Maybe the values they lived will speak to some of you.

Once, when telling one of the stories to my great-granddaughter Daisy, she asked, “Is this real life?” I answered, “Yes, these are real-life stories of growing up in West Texas.” No wars, no romance, no curse words, and no violence. Just good old real life.

The Ann Stories are now for sale on Amazon.com for $6.99.

If you read the book, please click on the Amazon picture, scroll down from the book’s picture, and leave a brief review. Thank you so much. Barbara

#1 New Release
in Children's United States Biographies

A Small Child’s Fear

One of the most rewarding aspects of living in my apartment happens when I go on walks. Almost always, I meet Black teens and children. Sometimes, I stop to watch the teenagers play basketball. Most of the young boys ignore me, a few appear annoyed, and one or two may come to the fence to talk to me. In addition, I often meet younger children riding on scooters or playing with balls.

When I first moved in, I noticed that the younger children were reluctant to communicate with me. In time, the hesitations vanished until the children now seem comfortable. When the children play outside my door, I sometimes walk out to ask about their school day.

A few evenings ago, I saw a mother I had not met leaving the slides with her small daughter. As we got closer, I spoke to them. Although the mother was pleasant, the small child immediately frowned, shook her small head “no,” and stomped a foot. The mother and I spoke briefly before we continued our separate ways.

As we walked away, I turned to smile and wave. When I did so, I saw the child wave back as she turned her head to look at me over her shoulder. The anger and fear that previously etched her face were gone. No smile was present, but at least fear did not appear to drive her actions.

I may never run into that mother and child again. The child will probably not remember our short meeting. Yet, I continue to hope that maybe an ounce of fear vanished for that small child. Maybe, she concluded that the white woman with a walker was no danger to her. Perhaps that can become a starting point.

Of course, I realize how necessary it is for Black parents to teach caution to their children. With that understanding, comes a hope that the realities of slavery will ultimately be recognized as the truth by every one of us. Continued hate will never end hate. Only love can end and drive out the hatred that continues to divide us.

Until we can meet one another minus our fear and anger, we cannot easily form friendships. When fear lingers, it blocks feelings of love, and being protective does not lend itself to connecting. I hope that one child at a time, one teen at a time — both Black and white, will be safe enough to relinquish suspicions. For that to happen, kindness must win the day. My prayer is that sooner than we anticipate, the day will come when we live peacefully and even joyfully together.

Adult-Child Space for Conflict Resolution

Instead of sending a child to sit in time-out alone, consider the benefits of sharing a quiet, reflective experience with your child. Say, “You seem to be getting upset. Let’s go someplace quiet together.” Often, a change of location is all that is needed to break out of a negative emotional place. Once your child has mastered expressive oral language well enough to articulate clearly, a quiet conversation based on the following questions from Conflict Resolution may be helpful.

• “What do you want?”
• “Why is this important to you?”

Restate what the child said for clarity. The purpose of this important step is to make certain you understand what your child wants. For example, “You just told me this is important to you because _____. Did I understand correctly?”

Work together to find a solution by asking, “How can we solve this? What can I do to help? What can others do? Are you willing to . . .?”

There may be times when new behaviors or words are rehearsed together. You can say, “I understand that you are upset about sharing your book with your brother. We can begin at the beginning and act out what we might do to find a solution.”

Story: Use Conflict Resolution
Dad: “I can tell by the way you are treating your brother that you feel upset. Please tell me what you want.”

Child: “I want the book that my brother is pretending to read.”

Dad: “Why is that book so important to you?”

Child: “I need that book for my homework.”

Dad will add the clarifying step below to be certain he understands exactly what his child needs.

Dad: “You are telling me you really want that book. You feel upset because you need the book to get your homework done. You want your brother to give the book to you now. Am I understanding correctly?”

Child: “Right.”

Dad: “Let’s work out a way so that you can get what you need and your brother can get what he wants. We want to find a win-win solution.”

Child: “How can we do that?”

Dad: “How about we choose a different book for your little brother? Would you be willing to try trading books with him?”

Child: “I am willing to try. But, Dad, if this doesn’t work, will you play with him so I can use the book to finish my assignment?”

Dad: “Good thinking. Thanks for helping me solve this problem.”

Closing Thoughts
I realize that this conversation sounds a bit too positive. In the hopes that she will become solution-oriented, you are planting a seed. There are possible two endings for the story above. One child or the other will be forced to give up the book. Instead, the father and older child work out a win-win option so that the needs of all are met. What a world it might be if we could all strive for a win-win outcome.

What About Spanking?
You Know, “Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child”

Two types of parents exist. Both types are good people who want to parent well and guide their children to become responsible adults. The types described below go beyond Christianity and can be applied to any religion or those with no religion at all. One type, grounded in a stricter philosophy resembling the Old Testament, believes the father’s job includes governing the behaviors of his wife as well as their children. This type of parent believes that allowing his wife or children to “get away” with anything will lead to their corruption. Parents who believe punishment must be used to teach also assume that the wife and children will not learn without pain. This attitude sometimes opens the door to emotional and physical abuse.

A second type of parent, who believes nurturing and teaching must take priority, adheres more closely to the philosophy expressed in the New Testament teachings of Jesus. Love and security come first. These parents teach by modeling integrity and honesty. The mother and father share equal responsibility for guiding their children and misbehaviors are always met with consequences that have the potential to teach. Neither parent seeks to make a child suffer.

Between the two philosophies, arguments abound over whether to s***k. As you think about potential outcomes from s***king, consider the following:

Good parents and grandparents teach more by demonstrating desired behaviors than by talking or punishing. If you control through coercion, the fear of punishment settles into your child’s mind as resentment and anger. Your child will instinctively do as she sees you do. Your words may say, “We don’t hit people,” or “People are not for hitting.” However, if you hit, the action suggests that hitting others works if you are bigger, stronger, and have more power.

Intelligent parents can link consequences that are logical to a child’s behavior. Hitting requires no thought.

If a moment of stress finds you unable to think logically, ask for time to determine an appropriate response. Better to wait than to make a harsh decision out of frustration.

The problem arises when each generation perpetuates cruelty on family members, which then becomes a way of life. Only a parent who has been damaged by his or her upbringing can believe this is a good idea.

True Story: Tragic Losses
I recall a tragic story of a father who threw his crying infant against a wall. Police discovered a hole behind a poster the same size as the infant’s head. It is conceivable that a very ill father thought he was teaching his infant son a lesson. The real-life consequences of this father’s action were the death of an infant and life in prison on a murder charge for the father.

It is unfortunate that even when intending to s***k moderately, anger can sometimes cloud rational thinking. It will be safer to never put that possibility into play. Hitting tends to increase the desire to hit.

The Tables Turn as We Age

From infancy forward, communicating with one another remains critical. Just as young children yearn to hear that, despite their mistakes, they remain lovable, senior citizens also need this assurance. This need begins at birth and does not end until the final exhale.

As I age, I frequently notice correlations between the needs of children and the needs of older people. As senior citizens, most of us discover that as our bodies age, we also regress mentally. We usually laugh when we share stories of walking into a room and forgetting what we went to get. It does not feel humorous when one contributes to a conversation and realizes that the remark is not appropriate. Tripping in front of others is not clever or cute. Repeating the same question feels foolish.

Like children, we watch facial expressions for slight frowns. We notice when silence follows our suggestions. We feel rather than hear words that seem to be rejecting. No one, whether one year old or one hundred wants to feel foolish. What could make a difference? Consider the following responses which provide a bit of dignity to the aging population.

1. I didn’t speak loudly enough. Let me repeat the question.
2. Handling small buttons is tricky. Would you like some help?
3. What you said makes sense if I consider the whole picture.
4. I had not thought of that idea. Thanks for sharing.
5. Your life experiences bring a different perspective. Please tell us more.
6. Thanks for a new way to think about this issue.
7. Your thoughts open a new path for consideration.
8. Yes, I’ve heard that story, but please tell it again.
9. You can’t walk far today, but with therapy, I know you can get stronger.
10. Computers get more challenging all the time. No need to feel embarrassed.
Contrast the following statements which do not feel dignifying:
1. You don’t seem to be listening. I said . . .
2. What’s wrong with you?
3. What you said makes no sense at all.
4. Don’t interrupt us.
5. Stop! I’m tired of that story.
6. Stop crying. There’s no reason to cry.

I believe our purpose on earth is to have compassion for all—the young, the elderly, and all who risk feeling less resourceful. Both ends of the age spectrum struggle while transitioning into new forms of life. Changes that occur during the aging process are no less critical than the transitions that babies, children, and teens struggle to master. Regardless of age, status, intelligence, or gender, we can decide to speak and act with patience and compassion.

Although dignifying mistakes is not easy to do, it provides a significant gift. As long as learning continues to be part of life, dignifying must reside on the same continuum.

With a little luck, you too will get to an advanced age.

Story: A Lesson from Baseball

Coach: “Hitting the ball is easy. All you do is keep your eye on the ball. If you keep looking right at the ball, your bat will automatically connect.”

The child wonders: What does keeping your eye on the ball mean?

After the child once again swings and misses the ball, the coach yells, “Dang it! Why won’t you do what I tell you?”

The child thinks: I am hopeless. I just can’t do sports and I’m going to stop trying.

For children to grow emotionally, physically, and cognitively, they must receive feedback. Parents and grandparents, who are usually a baby’s first teachers, can provide a solid foundation of self-esteem, as well as guidance.

After reading the baseball story above, I began to consider different statements the coach could have said that would have accomplished two goals. The coach’s first goal was to provide ways to improve. The second goal was to dignify the child. Saving the child’s self-esteem can either motivate or ruin the learning experience.

Consider a different conversation below.

Coach: “Although you didn’t get a hit, I know you did your best to keep your eye on the ball.”

Boy: “I tried but I don’t know what it means to keep my eye on the ball.”

Coach: “I did not explain what I meant. When I said, ‘keep your eye on the ball,’ I meant for you to look at the moving ball until you swing your bat and miss, or swing and hit the ball.”

Boy: “I’ll watch the ball as long as I can. Let’s try again.”

Other ways the coach could have reduced embarrassment while encouraging continued effort include the examples below:

1. “Hitting a moving ball with a skinny bat is hard to do.”
2. “Most people miss until they have a lot of practice.”
3. “As long as you keep doing your best, you will improve.”
4. “Everyone finds this difficult at times.”
5. “Would you like me to show you how to do this?
6. “Batting looks easier than it is. Keep trying.”

A situation may seem easy to an adult, but that does not mean it will be easy for the child who is in the process of learning. Instead of implying that the child is a failure, strongly declare:

“This is tricky. Many people have trouble mastering this.”

Words such as “No,” “Wrong,” and “You must not be trying,” slip out of our mouths before we can stop them. How often does the one receiving the information feel less than adequate? Feedback can be given with a bounce of encouragement. The aspect that makes the difference is dignifying. An embarrassed child will want to give up. Giving a plausible reason for the challenge provides the dignity needed to continue trying.

Source:
Hunter, Madeline. “Enhancing Teaching.” New York: Macmillan College Publishing, 1994.

Mending Disappointments

One morning, Daisy, at 16 months, noticed a large and colorful dead insect on the sidewalk in front of the apartment where she lived with her parents. Although Daisy initially felt frightened, her mom’s gentle explanations quickly erased her fears.

“Look, Daisy. See his pretty colors? He won’t hurt you. You will be safe if you want to get close enough to look at him.” After accepting her mom’s assurances, Daisy made “friends” with the colorful insect. Each morning and evening, Daisy greeted and chatted with her friend. When leaving, Daisy waved goodbye. Spotting that colorful insect always made Daisy smile.

As often happens in life, the situation changed. While Daisy attended daycare, the complex cleaned the sidewalks surrounding the apartments. In the process, the insect, now dead for several days, washed away. That evening, Daisy’s parents quietly watched as she searched in vain for her friend. They wordlessly shared Daisy’s sadness and obvious confusion.

Loving parents always suffer a little when witnessing their child’s sadness from a loss. Knowing that disappointments inevitably happen will not remove a parental tug to make everything right.

Although it’s often uncomfortable, noticing when others feel sad becomes a parent’s strength. Often, being quietly present provides more comfort than the most carefully crafted explanation. The disappearance of a colorful insect will not be Daisy’s last or greatest loss. Hopefully, the quiet support of her parents eased her bewilderment. With the incident tucked away in her budding psyche, Daisy possibly began building her personal foundation for dealing with life on its terms.

Life doesn’t permanently feel good. Parents will not always be able to prevent disappointments. In the larger scheme of life, helping diminish fears and being present during disappointments become much more important than avoiding sad moments. The silent but loving presence of her parents communicated, “We love you, and we can see that you feel confused and disappointed. We will stay with you, Daisy, for as long as you want to keep looking.”

Lessons Daisy learned from losing her insect friend possibly included “My parents care,” or “I’m not alone,” or maybe “Life goes on.” Fairly profound insights for a one-year-old. Ways her parents helped included:

• Initially, Daisy’s mom reassured her that she was safe to explore the insect.
• When returning home, Daisy was allowed to discover for herself that her insect friend was gone.
• Her parents remained quietly present. They did not attempt to explain a concept that would have been beyond Daisy’s ability to understand.
• Their love provided constant support without interference.

Staying quietly present sometimes becomes the best way to support a child who feels sad and disappointed. Being close assures her that she is not alone, her feelings are important, and you love her. In addition, you are demonstrating empathy, coupled with calmness to your child. The message? I can feel sad and be okay.

Be there with love.