04/14/2022
If they’re asking for something, there will be a valid need behind it. If you’re saying ‘no’, there will also be a valid need behind that. We risk driving secrecy or more resistance than we need to if we say ‘no’ without letting them know we hear them.
We can soften this by inviting them to own the problem. This might sound like, ‘I can see how important this is for you. You really want to be with your friends, but I need to know you’re safe. How can we both get what we need?’
After listening to them, you might change your mind, or you might not. Ultimately the decision is yours, but making sure they feel heard will show them that their needs, feelings, and opinions matter to you.
The best way to be heard is to let them know that you’re listening. ‘I know how important it is for you to be with your friends, and that’s important to me too, but being with them at this party doesn’t feel safe to me. We’ve both tried hard to find a way around this, but we haven’t found one. My decision is ‘no’.’
The decision is up to you. Their reaction is up to them. Disappointment is okay. Feeling angry is okay. The limits are on behaviour (abuse, violence, disrespect) but let there be no limits on their thoughts and feelings. It’s okay for them to not like you for a while. (It’s actually your decision they don’t like, but it might be directed at you.) It’s okay for them to be furious at you, or not want anything to do with you for a while. You do to have to change any of it. You don’t need to fix them or their feelings. They’re not broken.
Children thrive in abundance. If we have to put limits on what we let them do or what we give them (because it isn’t safe or reasonable), give them an abundance of space and grace to feel whatever they feel about that.♥️
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