Stacie Hildebrand, LPC, LMFT

Stacie Hildebrand, LPC, LMFT

Comments

I relate to this as someone who works with couples struggling with infertility and as someone who has been through infertility. There are so many ripple effects.
You are not alone and we see you.
To those of you that feel pain when you hear the word Mother—I hope and pray you find support from those around you.
Who else needs to work on this? 🙋🏻‍♀️
A good reminder. You have to own your part.
It’s sad to close one chapter but exciting to move on to the next. Allow yourself to acknowledge the losses and look for the new things to enjoy about the new season.

I help couples reconnect, navigate conflict as a team, and understand and appreciate one another.

Operating as usual

08/19/2022

Parentification is where a child is forced or expected, to act as a parental stand-in from a young age.

Parentification is generally classified as parent-focused or sibling-focused and then either as instrumental or emotional. Parent-focused means you were primarily taking care of your parent. Sibling-focused means you were taking care of a sibling or siblings.

Instrumental revolves around practical responsibilities.
- Physically meeting the needs of your siblings or parent by feeding them, helping them get dressed, or bathing them.
- Being in charge of cleaning, cooking, or grocery shopping.
- Paying bills, budgeting, or being in charge of the family finances.

Emotional revolves around being forced to be an emotional support system.
- Listening to your parent talk to you about adult problems.
- Giving advice or comforting your parent over age-inappropriate problems.
- Mediating between your parents or family members.
- Being the one to make your siblings feel loved, safe, and protected.

08/16/2022

Read that again.

We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it 08/15/2022

We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it

We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it In a talk that's by turns heartbreaking and hilarious, writer and podcaster Nora McInerny shares her hard-earned wisdom about life and death. Her candid approach to something that will, let's face it, affect us all, is as liberating as it is gut-wrenching. Most powerfully, she encourages us to shift...

08/14/2022

💛 Credit:

08/09/2022

Liz and Mollie

Photos from A Woman’s Soul's post 08/08/2022

Look for these red flags.

08/05/2022

Great info from Wild Goose Counseling.

Self-betrayal is when we betray our own wants-and-needs in order to keep the peace or maintain status quo in a relationship.

Which means people-pleasing is often an act of self-betrayal.

But maybe a better term would be self-preservation...

Because how else were we supposed to stay safe?

Sometimes the best way to survive a difficult/chaotic situation was to learn to keep the people pleased.

When pleased, they won’t hurt you (or at least not as much).

Learning how to keep the peace (even at our own cost) was a really smart way to stay safe.

That wasn’t self-betrayal. That was self-preservation.

But now, though we have so much more knowledge, access to resources, and choices, we often find that old operating system still at work.

🧠 “Keep the people pleased!”

Why does our brain still want us to do that even when we don’t need to anymore???

Because survival comes first.

Survival brain probably thinks your new ideas about boundaries are cute...(um, ridiculous, but cute).

It’s gonna need a lot of compassion (and appreciation!) and patience to round this curve.

Not judgment and pathologizing.

It’s just doing it’s job.

❤️

Molly

PS. My free intro class dives even deeper into how and whyyyy our brains do this (with cartoons, of course), and what we can do to help.

It’s also a great way to get a feel for my 8-week online boundaries intensive for women and see if it might be a good fit.
To learn more: Http://boundaried.com

07/23/2022

Constant reminder to myself.

07/22/2022

Perhaps knowing why will give you comfort, but it will never erase what happened. As you gather more information, respond to what you already know.

Your power is in choosing how you want to respond.

07/21/2022

Acknowledging the truth will change what you expect from others.

Photos from NAMI's post 07/18/2022

Photos from NAMI's post

07/14/2022

Couples who create an emotional safe harbor have more resources to weather life’s storms. What are your favorite ways to show appreciation in your relationship?

07/10/2022

Therapists are there to listen to you talk about your problems, help you navigate finding solutions, guide you through your feelings and hold space for you.

Normalize therapy as a preventive strategy, not just as a solution to a crisis.

07/08/2022
Is Honesty Always the Best Policy? – My Blog 07/07/2022

Is Honesty Always the Best Policy? – My Blog

Check out my new blog post. https://fertile-relationships.com/is-honesty-always-the-best-policy/

Is Honesty Always the Best Policy? – My Blog Is Honesty Always the Best Policy? Trust is an important part of a sound relationship. One element of trust is being honest with your spouse. We’ve all heard the expression honesty is the best policy. But there are important things to remember about being honest in your relationship. In my work wi...

07/06/2022

You can be mad and not hurt others. Love Nedra Nuggets!

When you're upset, instead of icing people out, let them know how you feel and let them know you need space to process. While processing, don't be passive-aggressive. 

You can be mad and not hurt others. 

07/04/2022

Therapy with Abby

06/24/2022

Emily W. King, PhD ❤️

Infertility is making me lose friendships. I never expected it to be this way. 06/03/2022

Infertility is making me lose friendships. I never expected it to be this way.

I relate to this as someone who works with couples struggling with infertility and as someone who has been through infertility. There are so many ripple effects.

Infertility is making me lose friendships. I never expected it to be this way. After years of failed fertility treatments with her husband, the author noticed friendships change and wondered how it might have been different.

06/02/2022
05/31/2022
05/22/2022

Love this from .therapist 💕
Music , books and cuddles with my littles definitely on top of the list for me ?
What are your happiness triggers ?💜

05/10/2022

I have been using this metaphor with Client's for years. Love the visual of it.

So often we feel we are back in the same spot again but that is not entirely possible as even in the journey around the loop we are changed and grown.

The view may look the same but we are seeing it from a different level.

05/08/2022

You are not alone and we see you.

Refuge In Grief ❤️

05/07/2022

To those of you that feel pain when you hear the word Mother—I hope and pray you find support from those around you.

Timeline photos 05/03/2022

Who else needs to work on this? 🙋🏻‍♀️

💯 🧠 ✌️

05/02/2022

A good reminder. You have to own your part.

A reminder.

When you realize you're done having babies... 05/01/2022

When you realize you're done having babies...

It’s sad to close one chapter but exciting to move on to the next. Allow yourself to acknowledge the losses and look for the new things to enjoy about the new season.

When you realize you're done having babies... The last time that you felt that first flutter in your belly- the one that felt like tiny butterfly wings. The last time that I watched my stomach move while our baby changed positions...

05/01/2022


▪ ▪ ▪
💙 What helps you keep your cool when parenting times get hot?⁠

The first key is to NOTICE when you're on the verge. (That gets easier with practice.)⁠

The second key is to find a few go-to practices that help you recenter yourself in the moment. Pick what works for YOU and your own personal nervous system! ⁠

Here are a few ideas to try:⁠

💙 Practice slow breathing⁠ - longer exhales can help with calming.⁠

💙 Drink some water⁠ - the temperature and taste can help bring you back from the brink (and hydrating is also a good idea).⁠

💙 Squeeze your toes⁠ - dig your heels into the ground and feel the earth supporting you.⁠

💙 Brush your teeth⁠ - a burst of mint can bring you to your senses and help you change gears.⁠

💙 Step outside⁠ - ahh, nothing like nature to recenter. Take a look at the clouds, feel the breeze.⁠

💙 Name the feeling⁠ - when we can see the feeling, we don't have to be it. ⁠

💙 Place your hand on your heart⁠ - feel the warmth of your hand and the soothing sense of being gentle with yourself.⁠

💙 Crunch some ice⁠ - run cold water on your hands, place an ice pack on the back of your neck, or chew ice.⁠

💙 Try a somatic hold - place one hand on your forehead, the other behind your head and hold gently - linger for a bit and notice if you feel a shift.⁠


✅ Follow Wild Peace for Parents for an integration of science + simple, doable practices that give parents a lift.

Photos from The Holistic Psychologist's post 05/01/2022

Photos from The Holistic Psychologist's post

04/28/2022
These 6 Habits Increase Your Odds Of Divorce, From A Marriage Therapist 04/21/2022

These 6 Habits Increase Your Odds Of Divorce, From A Marriage Therapist

Outstanding article that summarizes the Gottman principles. I work with all of these area with my clients so they can have a healthier relationship.

These 6 Habits Increase Your Odds Of Divorce, From A Marriage Therapist Research shows couples who split within six years of getting married tend to have six similar habits.

04/19/2022

Next time you feel the urge to correct your partner's behavior, try connecting with them first.

This means making an effort to understand our partner’s experiences, perspective, and reasoning before jumping in to correct them or “fix” what you think they’re doing wrong.

The Candidly spoke with Gottman Institute Research Director Dr. Don Cole about the importance of curiosity over correction. Read more: https://bit.ly/3zHjsbv

04/19/2022

And then they struggle to connect with their partner later in life. Connection is the only way to a secure relationship and that means feeling safe to express our feelings and needs.

Adults are still learning how to express and manage feelings because many of us were not allowed to experience the natural unfolding of feelings. 

If you’re a parent/caregiver, be mindful of what you teach children about their feelings.

If you’re an adult who struggles with expressing your feelings, you can learn how to be present with your feelings and how to manage them. The first step is acknowledging that you feel something and naming what you feel. 

Feelings are natural. And it healthy for you to express your feelings. 


04/16/2022

Hugs are a great ritual of connection for couples. Not a brief side hug but a full contact hug that lasts for at least 6 seconds. You have experienced this kind of hug I bet where you sigh and just relax. That is physical intimacy and connection.

04/16/2022

FACTS!

04/10/2022
04/08/2022
04/06/2022

When you know your triggers you can start working on how you want to respond. Part of teaching your partner how you want to be loved is educating them on potential landmines/triggers so they can be aware and respond with empathy and compassion when triggers happen.

04/04/2022

Important to remember. Bumps in the road are going to happen but they do not erase any steps you’ve taken toward change.

03/30/2022

While stonewalling and the silent treatment can look very similar from the outside, they aren’t the same. The intent of stonewalling is protective—flooding leads to a shutdown that results in stonewalling. The silent treatment is an active choice to cause hurt.

Being on the receiving end of both, though, can be overwhelming. Read more about the difference from Certified Gottman Therapist Kari Rusnak Counseling on our blog: https://bit.ly/36mfs5P

03/29/2022

When we are flooded, we cannot listen to understand or have empathy because we are in the fight, flight, or freeze mode. Best thing you can do to protect the relationship is to take at least a 30 minute break and soothe yourself out of that state. Once you are soothed, it’s important to go back to discuss the issue.

Flooding is a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it impossible to have a productive problem-solving discussion. While flooding affects everyone differently, in general, it impacts one's ability to think logically—which can contribute to stonewalling.

Stay tuned. Later this week we will discuss how to manage flooding and address stonewalling in relationships.

This post is not meant to address situations of abuse. Social media is not a substitute for individualized support.

03/29/2022

Defensiveness escalates conflict because it sends the message that one partner is avoiding any responsibility while blaming the other. It is more likely to happen when someone feels attacked or blamed for the issue.

It's not usually intentional, but defensiveness is a way of reversing blame. This sets you and your partner at opposite ends of a conflict, leaving you both alone to solve the challenge. Read more on the Gottman Relationship Blog: https://bit.ly/3JzygNa

Stay tuned tomorrow when we'll talk about the antidote to defensiveness!

03/28/2022

Be mindful of what judgements, assumptions and interpretations you and others make to suit core beliefs and preferred narratives. Be curious what they support and/or constrain.

How to Stay Connected During Stressful Times – My Blog 03/23/2022

How to Stay Connected During Stressful Times – My Blog

https://fertile-relationships.com/three-rs-to-stay-connected-during-stressful-times/

How to Stay Connected During Stressful Times – My Blog How to Stay Connected During Stressful Times According to the Gottman Institute, couples that manage stress well fair better than couples who do not. How you handle the outside stress is the difference between feeling like a team vs feeling like roommates who share space. When we are feeling out of....

5 Tips to Keep the Friendship Alive 03/23/2022

5 Tips to Keep the Friendship Alive

Friendship is the foundation of the Sound Marital House. It's important to nurture your friendship with your spouse.

5 Tips to Keep the Friendship Alive Can couples be friends and lovers? Yes! That’s how relationships last. Genesis Games shows how a good friendship is the foundation for love.

Videos (show all)

Some of my favorite Gottman quotes.

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