Amanda Hale

Amanda Hale

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Please keep reminding yourself of the following…EVERY DAY…

You are ENOUGH

&

You are WORTHY of :

♡ Authentic love
♡ Kindness
♡ Respect
♡ Compassion
♡ Support
♡ Understanding
♡ Your own needs
♡ Your own wants…

You can turn the above into "I" statements... ie say "I am worthy of authentic love", "I am worthy of respect" etc... If you feel up to it, it can be very powerful to say these affirmations while looking into your eyes in a mirror.... Repetition is key!

DON’T TAKE THE BAIT!

I can hear some saying - It’s easy for you to say… and perhaps, with more hindsight, it is easier for me to say... now… but it wasn’t always that way… and I do have the occasional slips from time to time (but I will do my UTMOST not let the narcs in my life see these slips)….Of course, it becomes easier not to engage, not to defend oneself, not to personalise what the narc says/does etc once you have been able to go No Contact or Extreme Modified Contact (you have reduced the contact as much as possible, for example if you share a child with the narc).

One example of not taking the bait:

The narc is giving you the silent treatment. Perhaps they are trying to make you feel as bad as possible for something you didn’t do or say (but they are playing the victim). Instead of engaging in their sulking & passive aggressive behaviour… take a step back. Ask yourself honestly - have I really done anything to merit this kind of behaviour - shutting me out etc ? If you are dealing with someone highly narcissistic, most probably you have done NOTHING wrong. Remember to hold on to your truth.

You can perhaps say to the narc something like: “I can see you are upset. I am sorry you feel that way. I am going to go out now. If you would like to speak later do let me know.” And then Follow Through. Go out and do something to take your mind off the narc.

Instead of worrying about what’s going on in the narc’s world - shift the focus back onto you and ask what would make You feel better in this moment…? And then Act on it. The narc needs to see that this manipulation tactic no longer works with you. You are not taking the bait. Of course, I am sorry to say, once the narc sees the lack in efficacy of this tactic, they will move on to another tactic which works better for them. However, at least you are working on not engaging with the narcs antics and you are protecting yourself/ your wellbeing. Naturally, as regards all my posts, your safety is paramount so only make changes if you are safe to do so.
#lettinggooftoxicpeople
The narc parent will jeopardise their child’s future either because:
a) they see their child as an extension of themself and thus seek to create a ‘mini-me’,
b) they are so consumed by their need for revenge & will do anything to counter-parent in order to upset their ex partner,
c) they simply believe their way is the right way.
d) a combination of all of the above.

Sadly, as always, it is the child who suffers the adverse consequences the most. Narcs don’t have empathy and they lack self-awareness, therefore they do not think twice about how their actions impact others, including their own children. In their warped minds on some level they probably believe they are doing the right thing by their child. Remember they do tend to believe their own narrative, which enables them to do the dreadful things they do.

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear your opinion or your experiences as a “coparent” with a narc.
♡︎ 𝚂𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚟𝚒𝚛𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚑𝚞𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢...

♡︎ 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢 (𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚍𝚊𝚢) 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚈𝙾𝚄

♡︎ 𝙱𝚢 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚞𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚜 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝, 𝚊𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚊 𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑 𝚒𝚝! 𝚆𝚑𝚒𝚌𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚎𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚎! 𝙸𝚗 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜.

♡︎ 𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚘 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚍𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎...

The toxic parent who exhibits signs of Fabricated or Induced Illness (FII), otherwise known as Munchausen by Proxy, may receive some kind of benefit either by gaining support and/or attention from others (sympathy re their unwell child or even financial assistance) or possibly from their own child (who may start to view this parent as their hero/saviour). This may also be a tactic used by the toxic parent to paint the other parent in a negative light in the eyes of their child. The parent may openly say or imply that their other parent is not taking good care of their medical needs and is therefore negligent. This is very detrimental for the child, and may lead to anxious feelings including perhaps not being able to trust their more stable parent.

It may be that the parent exhibiting FII suffers from high levels of anxiety and paranoia about their own health - and they therefore project these anxieties onto their own child. Though this may be inadvertent, it can also cause a great deal of harm to the child and the child may begin to exhibit high levels of anxiety themselves around their health and safety etc.

According to the NHS website, a “high proportion of parents and carers involved in FII have been found to have a personality disorder and in particular, Borderline Personality Disorder.” The website also states: “at the foundation, parents who fabricate or induce illness in children are likely to have an underlying mental health condition or a history of traumatic experiences.”

If you feel this may be the case for your child, it would be a very good idea first and foremost to seek professional help and guidance. In the meantime, you can help your child by reminding them they are in good health and that all the various health checks that they may already have endured have demonstrated that they are fit and healthy - and that nothing was or is wrong with them (naturally each situation is unique).
Have you ever been publicly humiliated? It can engender so many emotions/feelings for a target of abuse - including feeling belittled, helpless, alone, terrified, confused, hurt, ashamed, angry, betrayed & embarrassed (especially if you care a great deal about what others think about you - which the narc will have picked up on earlier in the relationship - and probably uses this specific tactic because they know the impact will hit very hard).

Narcs like to be in a position of power in their relationship (whether overtly or covertly) and they like to be in control. Public humiliation is just one of the many tactics they use to gain that power and control over their target. Over time, if you have been publicly humiliated many times (and this may very well be in front of strangers - especially if they are concerned about their public persona) - it may cause you not to want to go out as much (with or without your partner), it may cause you to avoid speaking up or voicing your opinions in case what you say causes the narc to humiliate you, you may start to question yourself whether you have actually caused them to lash out in public… over time, along with all the other various tactics, it can cause a target to experience high levels of self-doubt, confusion, fear, & feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviours that create an imbalanced power dynamic in a relationship; these behaviours give the narc/perpetrator power over their target. It has nothing to do with the target as an individual, or their actions…If you are dealing with any of these types of controlling behaviours, you have done NOTHING to cause them…NONE of the narc’s behaviour is your fault. I want you to know that.

Please post a ‘🤍’ in the comments if you too have suffered from being publicly humiliated… I am confident you are not alone - and the awareness that you are not alone can be a powerful realisation.

I offer emotional and practical support for women navigating break up and divorce from a toxic ex. Any information you find here is based solely on my opinion.

Operating as usual

16/11/2022

Today I am introducing you to my new co-host, the lovely and to the first of a series of fortnightly Youtube videos; the link for our first video is below in the caption and will be in my stories.

This video you see here on my grid is a short intro (as mentioned above, the first official lengthier video can be found in the link).

In our first video we introduce ourselves and we chat about how to spot manipulation tactics, what to look out for and how it applies to relationships with highly narcissistic or toxic people.

We would love to hear your feedback and any questions you may have for us…& if you feel comfortable in sharing your story and you are seeking some suggestions/support, please do reach out to either of us or both via DM and other avenues.

We really hope you enjoy our first episode, that you hear something that resonates with you and ideally that you pick up some useful tips & insights!

14/10/2022

I have spent more than 2 hours trying to upload my latest reel…..to no avail! What’s happening Instagram?? Anyhow - my apologies for not coming up with the goods today…. And a big thank you .guru for your beautiful post that I’m sharing here. This is one of favourite quotes and is very relevant when you’re having to parent alongside a toxic or narcissistic ex…. Take a deep breath (or whatever helps you when you’re feeling triggered) and set internal boundaries for yourself before reacting to the narc parent’s latest vitriol! If you need any help with this - please do reach out to me. Wishing you a peaceful weekend ahead… Amanda x

06/10/2022

It may take one relationship with a narcissist or perhaps several to begin to figure out that there is a pattern emerging in your life.

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes! As you may have already researched, there are also several different types of narcissists (covert, overt, somatic, cerebral, malignant etc….)and so you may have recognised one type of narc in your life, but overlooked another because the traits present quite differently.

Nevertheless, if something feels off in one of your relationships (friendship, family members, work colleagues, partner) and you have already had a bad experience with someone highly narcissistic in the past, it is worth taking stock of the patterns of behaviour that you witness in the other person. It is not unusual to find out that you have other narcs lurking around in your environment. Especially given you are probably someone who has a great deal to offer this world (and as you know they love their narc supply)!

Life is way too short to allow time and space for these vampiric creatures! I know this is easier said than done in many situations. However, there are ways to help protect yourself from further harm. Boundaries are a key element and being able to enforce them (which often entails confronting the fear that arises).

If you would like my support in helping you to feel more empowered with the narc in your life, please reach out to me. The link in my bio will take you directly to my website.

05/10/2022

It may take one relationship with a narcissist or perhaps several to begin to figure out that there is a pattern emerging in your life.

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes! As you may have already researched, there are also several different types of narcissists (covert, overt, somatic, cerebral, malignant etc….)and so you may have recognised one type of narc in your life, but overlooked another because the traits present quite differently.

Nevertheless, if something feels off in one of your relationships (friendship, family members, work colleagues, partner) and you have already had a bad experience with someone highly narcissistic in the past, it is worth taking stock of the patterns of behaviour that you witness in the other person. It is not unusual to find out that you have other narcs lurking around in your environment. Especially given you are probably someone who has a great deal to offer this world (and as you know they love their narc supply)!

Life is way too short to allow time and space for these vampiric creatures! I know this is easier said than done in many situations. However, there are ways to help protect yourself from further harm. Boundaries are a key element and being able to enforce them (which often entails confronting the fear that arises).

If you would like my support in helping you to feel more empowered with the narc in your life, please reach out to me. The link in my bio will take you directly to my website.

19/08/2022

Not only is it useful to remind yourself on a regular basis that not all your thoughts are real (and hence question their veracity) - but it can also be powerful to talk to your children about this concept as well (especially if they’re feeling afraid or worried about something).

As I often mention, it is key to validate your child’s feelings first and show empathy for their personal experience. This is something that they will never receive genuinely from their toxic/narc parent. Then you can delve into the concept that not all thoughts are real (in an age appropriate way).

Did you also know that our thoughts impact how we feel? Therefore, wouldn’t it make good sense that if we work on the thoughts we have on a daily basis (and question whether they are in fact true or not - and provide alternate possibilities) that we can change how we feel?

I am currently studying a brain training methodology to help others (and myself!) to let go of limiting/unhelpful beliefs that are causing all sorts of painful emotions, making room for new positive neural pathways leading to the creation of more life-enhancing belief patterns/behaviours that shape how we engage with the world around us, ultimately changing how we feel.

Have you stopped today and pressed pause to listen to some of the thoughts running through your mind? Did you notice that some of them may not necessity be true or helpful for that matter? Do you see how they may be affecting how you feel? Please share!

Photos from Amanda Hale's post 03/08/2022

This message arrived in my inbox today and I wanted to share it with you. It can naturally apply to anyone and everyone - regardless of whether you find yourself in a relationship with a narc or toxic person in some capacity, or not.

I would caveat that if you are in a relationship with a narc/toxic individual and you are hoping to leave - then of course, always put your safety (and your children’s) first and foremost. Make a solid and well thought out plan, ideally with the support of professionals, DA charities etc.

On a more general level, I thought I would add more of what Dr Itai Ivtzan wrote as I personally found it inspiring and I hope you do too! :

⇢ Taking risks is a great way to grow. Once you recognize that failure and setbacks are a guarantee in life, you can allow yourself to take measured risks and ease the pressure of being perfect.

⇢ One actionable strategy for calming our unease is, counterintuitively, to imagine the worst-case scenario in your mind. If you realize you can accept the worst-case scenario, you have nothing to fear. I use this technique frequently – and usually find that the worst-case scenario is really not that scary – which makes me feel much more comfortable with this “scary” option.

Does this resonate with you? What # strategies help you to step out of your comfort zone?


06/07/2022

If any of you answered YES then I believe you are definitely not alone!

Some possible reasons for the escalation in toxic behaviours:

A. Narcs do not like being held accountable. Helping to take care of a baby is a HUGE responsibility - financially and otherwise. Suddenly they will be laden with additional, substantial responsibilities.

B. Narcs tend to be emotionally stunted - i.e. they are very emotionally immature. Taking care of a baby (well) requires some level of emotional stability and maturity. This may explain why many narcs don’t typically get involved in any of the child-rearing duties (until a separation occurs and they need to present well). They also love to feel in control - and therefore not feeling in control of a situation (as they lack the required traits) will elicit unhealthy behaviours.

C. The KEY point in my opinion is that narcs hate to be demoted in status (ie in the pecking order of the family). In many families, the new baby will take first place - as they are naturally not capable of taking care of their own needs. Consequently, the primary caretaker’s/partner's attention will not be solely focused on the narc’s needs and wants. This will inevitably cause friction and upset and often leads to the narc throwing their toys out of the pram (a pretty apt idiom!).

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

01/07/2022

Narcs will do anything necessary to glorify their image to the outside world with the aim to influence a situation (they are chameleon-like after all!). For example, if you’re going through court proceedings, don’t be surprised if the narc suddenly begins to be an avid church goer, philanthropist, 'parent of the year' etc - things they rarely if ever did before the divorce process. Don't be surprised when these 'admirable traits' come to a halt soon after the proceedings come to an end!

⭐︎ Though it may be infuriating for you, don’t react and don’t allow it to steer you off track; i.e. concentrate on what you are doing and on matters that are within your control.
⭐︎ Even if the narc pulls the wool over most people’s eyes (and they are very good at it!), you may very well have plenty of evidence that they are not whom they appear to be (emails, texts etc). Keep a record of everything.
⭐︎ If you are able to, please make sure you have a lawyer/solicitor who understands the nature of the person they will be dealing with.

If you would like more suggestions on how to handle a toxic or narcissistic ex in addition to gaining emotional & practical support throughout the divorce process and beyond, please reach out to me via email: [email protected] or DM me. I also provide a free guide (you can find the link in my profile) with info on communicating with a narc ex when parallel parenting.

27/06/2022

Narcissistic abuse can have a very significant impact not only on your psychological and emotional health but also on your physical well-being. Symptoms/conditions include: fibromyalgia, migraines, chronic fatigue, severe anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, IBS, learned helplessness, brain-fog and more…

If you feel you are suffering from one or more of the symptoms/conditions above (or others relating to narcissistic abuse/abuse), it is key that you access the right support. It may require that you consult with various professionals trained in the specific areas.

When I work with my clients, if I feel that some of the presenting symptoms are outside of my remit, I have a strong network of professionals that I will refer them on to (that I have tried and tested!).

It is really crucial that you have a strong support system around you when you are experiencing or have experienced narcissistic abuse. Asking for help when you most need it is a sign of strength and your health and wellbeing may depend on it! Mental and physical health is everything at the end of the day.

Please share a 💚 in the comments if this post resonates with you!… and DM me if you need some support.

22/06/2022

“There is no failure, only feedback” - This is one of my favourite quotes… a very straightforward one, but extremely valuable to me - given that I felt so inhibited by the feat of failure until reaching my forties! I still have moments where that fear is lurking, waiting to pounce, however - with this new insight in the forefront of my mind (something I wish I had heard growing up!), I feel so much lighter.

I find myself saying it frequently or something similar to my son nowadays… there is no such thing as failure…everything is a learning… making mistakes helps you to know what to avoid next time or what to do differently…

In this same light, many people view divorce as a failure; I disagree 1000%! I see It as a chance for change, for new beginnings, for finding a new partner who cherishes you for who you are, to learn more about yourself, to love yourself more and to grow as an individual… and so much more!…

Please share a ❤️ below if you agree with any of the above!

If you are currently navigating through a breakup or divorce from a toxic or narcissistic partner and you would like a thinking partner, practical guide and emotional support, please do get in touch with me. I’d love to accompany you on your journey so that you can take back control & start your beautiful new chapter…..

20/06/2022

Please don’t be too quick to jump to the conclusion that your pre-teen or teen child is a narcissist!

✩ I understand how tempting this can be, given their oftentimes severe mood swings, rather unpleasant behaviour, selfishness, dearth of empathy and seeming inability to see things from another person’s perspective (not to mention that they may tend to mimic their narc parent's behaviours which can be extremely triggering). There is however HOPE when it comes to your pre-teen/teen developing the antithesis of these ’narcissistic’ traits, whereas for a narcissist (highly narcissistic person/person with NPD), the prognosis of change is pretty bleak at best.

✩ The pre-teen/teen brain is going through so many developmental changes. And, did you know the the pre-frontal cortex is apparently not entirely developed until the age of around 24 years?! That means that they are more inclined to use the emotional (or limbic) part of the brain in many circumstances, which would explain their difficulty making somewhat straightforward decisions at times, inability to think clearly/in a logical way (executive skills may be lacking!), and why they often appear to be ruled by their emotions. This naturally can be true for adults too, especially when feeling very stressed (for example, if you’re going through a divorce with a toxic ex!).

✩ Knowledge is power and clarity gives us more understanding and hopefully a little more peace of mind! Please keep these things in mind when you find yourself throwing your hands up in the air, super frustrated...exasperated, fearing the worst…. There IS hope….!

▹ Naturally, there are several things that You can do to encourage healthy traits of behaviour in your pre-teen/teen. Modelling these behaviours yourself is a very good start! If you need any more tips, please do reach out to me…. In the meantime, have faith… and be kind to yourself!

Videos (show all)

Merry Christmas Everyone! Wishing you warmth, light, peace and self-loving ❤️… Amanda xo#christmascheer2021 #loveandligh...
One key factor to moving forward after narcissist abuse is to understand and accept that what happened to you was NOT yo...
Please check out my first blog on my website: ‘My Knight in Shining Armour Turned Out To Be My Worst Knight-Mare’, and s...
🤍I remember when I was going through my tough breakup, being told by a masseuse : it’s so important that you experience ...
🤍 Self-respect and respect from others🤍Self-love (“”)🤍Self-approval (“”)🤍Being treated well by myself and others🤍People’...
The ongoing battle with screens... I don’t know about you, but I have found it extremely tough (especially during lockdo...
You most probably already know the following analogy: the necessity of placing Your oxygen mask on first before you plac...

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