Whether it’s your first Christmas without a certain person or your fifth, so many of us struggle at this time of year. Here are our tips for getting through it.
In the new year I would like to run a Grief Recovery group over 8 weeks. This will be your chance to learn the tools to help you discover and deal with the unresolved grief that is causing you pain and stopping you from living your best life.
Unresolved grief is usually an undelivered communication of an emotional nature. Something you wish you had said or not said, or something you felt wasn’t heard.
I will teach you how to discover these and how to deliver them in a safe environment. Once learnt, these tools will give you lifelong skills to deal with loss in any form in an emotionally healthy way. ￼
What losses would you like help with?
Contact me if you’d like to know more.
2020 has brought about losses for everyone. Loss of normal, loss of finances, loss of family members and friends, loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.
My 2020 started with the loss of Glenn and then covid hit us making all losses feel so much more painful. In my time of grief it felt like I lost my support network and the physical comfort of a hug from my parents.
In this unprecedented time, we’re all experiencing the loss of our lives, routines, work, family, friends, freedom. There is also a huge fear factor; fear of the unknown, fear of catching the virus, fear of others, and fear of the loss of control. Coming to terms with this is not something we’re used to.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Therefore, the feelings you are having are also normal and natural for you.
The problem is that we have all been programmed to think and believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural. We’re taught how to acquire things but not what to do when we lose them.
We know how difficult it can be to find the right words to comfort a child. We don't want to say the wrong thing, but we also want to connect with the child and offer our support. Finding this balance is challenging if you don't have the right tools for the job.
We can probably all remember something that was said to us in childhood.
Our "Helping Children with Loss" programme provides parents, teachers and anyone who works with children with the specific tools for helping a child of any age and/or ability level with a personal loss of any kind.
After completion of this course, participants will have the confidence and the ability to communicate effectively with children and teenagers on the topics of grief and loss, as well as specific tools for helping a young person recover from bereavement.
My daughter who is 16, completed the Grief Recovery Method as soon as she was able.
The night our gorgeous Glenn died was very traumatic with emergency services in our home.
Yesterday we had a need for an ambulance and Aimee had a panic and anxiety attack as the memories came flooding back.
She now walks the walk and talks the talk of recovery and she came to the conclusion that she needed to do a completion on the ambulance service. I am beyond proud. She has the tools to cope with whatever losses come her way in the future.
Photos from Vicky Parker Certified Grief Recovery Specialist's post
In the run up to National Grief Awareness Week which runs from 2nd-8th December I will be posting and I will be sharing posts by . Today I will share my story and would love you all to share yours. Grief should be talked about but sadly we are taught to be strong and grieve alone.
When I was 18 I met my husband on a night out. He was my best friend, the father of our beautiful daughter Aimee as well as my husband. We did everything together. He sadly got cancer and after a two and a half year battle he died. When he passed away I was devastated. In time I met a wonderful widower and began to put our lives back together. Laughter had a genuine place in my life again. Sadly he died very suddenly in January this year leaving my heart broken for a second time. I could easily have given up but I owed it the people I love to keep going and once I had completed the programme I realised I was worth it too, that I wanted to live my life and not just go through the motions.
I became a specialist after completing the Grief Recovery programme myself. The tools I was taught gave me my life back and could do the same for you.
Please share your story below. I would love to hear about you.
It's now easier to send Vicky Parker Certified Grief Recovery Specialist a message.
It's now easier to send Vicky Parker Certified Grief Recovery Specialist a message.
Investing in my daughters future was the best thing I ever did. I have a beautiful, emotionally aware, emotionally intelligent empathetic, kind and loving human being I have the honour to call mine.
To suffer the major losses she has a such a crucial stage of her life could have had a very negative impact on her.
She embraced the programme that our wonderful Grief Recovery Specialist Ingrid taught her and has the skills for life now to deal with any losses that come her way. She talks the language of recovery and lives her life to the full.
Because of her bravery and willingness to take part I did too and now I have to skills to help others.
Just two little words. A contender for the most unhelpful words you can use when talking to a grieving person.
“At least he’s not in pain or suffering anymore”
“At least you still have your mum”
“At least you’re young... you can find another husband”
Some examples if things said to us by well meaning people after the death of my husband.
We are ‘taught’ to try to react intellectually to grief instead of emotionally because we don’t want to feel bad or sad or see others upset.
Next time you speak to someone experiencing a loss try saying ‘I can’t imagine how painful that must be for you...”
“Do you want to talk about it?”- and mean it! No one will expect you to have the answers but giving someone the chance to talk and feel listened to is invaluable.
Comment from your heart not your head. ♥️
I want to talk about some more of the 6 myths of grief as these kind of go hand in hand in my experience.
* Grieve alone
* Be strong for others
* Don’t feel bad/sad
Grieve alone... so many of us do this. Why do we? In lots of cases to appear Strong for others- another myth. Definitely in my case. Everyone was telling me how strong I was when in reality I felt anything but strong. Who knew I was such a good actress? As a parent and friend myself how could I let my parents ams friends see the utter devastation and heart break I was feeling. It hurts me to see my own beautiful daughter in that state and not be able to take the pain away. Why would I do that to mine? The car became my place to cry.
Many of us have been made to feel that feeling bad or sad is something to be hidden and done alone. As a society in many cases, not all we’ve chosen this as an emotion that we’d rather hide. “Don’t cry, don’t be sad, big boys and girls don’t cry...”
Would we be telling them not to laugh and be happy? Crying is a necessary and honest emotion. If we can laugh with our friends and family surely we should cry with them too...
Where is your Grieve alone place? Who are you being strong for?
Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviours
Things we do as grievers to cover the feelings created by unresolved grief. For example drinking, smoking, over/under eating and shopping.
When I was widowed, I joined the gym- much to the amusement of my friends and family. I was always a massive chocoholic. I became very focused on my own health and diet. I learnt to crochet and made so many granny squares.
Second time I was plunged into grief it was walking the dogs, the gym has become the focus again as has the diet. I also help an amazing friend with her Facebook group.
I realise I also pull out my own hair when STERBing until I have patches of baldness. Now I am aware of it and why I’m hoping next time I experience a loss I will keep my hair!
What are your STERBS? Think about what you are doing and what you are trying not to feel...
There are lots of ways grief affects us. Lack of sleep and loss of concentration, loss of appetite and no joy in things you enjoyed previously are just a few.
For me, for the last three years I haven’t been able to enjoy music any more. It would always result in tears.
In the last few weeks I’ve been able to listen for short periods and tonight I did a whole car journey listening to favourites and singing along. This is huge!! Ironically the song I was having a real sing along to was called Back in the Day!! It was from an incredibly happy time in my family life.
The Grief Recovery Method has helped me in so many ways but to be able to enjoy the music and relish the memories that it invoked is simply amazing.
How does your grief affect you most?
Vicky Parker Grief Recovery Specialist
Time heals all wounds... one of the 6 myths of grief we have ingrained in us by society. Perhaps the most dangerous...
How long are you supposed to wait? When my husband died I was desperate to fast forward three years. I had decided that three years was when I would most likely feel better...
October 2020 is three and a half years since my husband died. In that time I met a wonderful man who also sadly suddenly passed away 9 months ago.
I do feel better (most days- I am only human!) but I don’t feel better because time has passed. I feel better because of the actions I took to help myself.
The Grief Recovery Method taught me step by step to take action to feel better. I can do the same for you.
Vicky Parker Grief Recovery Specialist
Vicky Parker is a Grief Recovery Specialist offering the Grief Recovery Method in Aldershot and Hampshire to individuals and groups who want to move beyond grief and loss in.
Taking the actions in the unique Grief Recovery Method made sure I felt listened to and took the steps to move beyond the pain. I’m starting to live again-not just exsist and go through the motions of life.
If I can help you get in touch.
Guilt.... feelings of guilt.
How many times do we hear that word associated with loss?
‘I feel guilty I wasn’t there”
“I feel guilty for saying or not saying...”
In my case I had feelings of guilt that CPR was unsuccessful. If I’d somehow been better at it he’d still be here.
One definition of guilt is ‘intent to harm’.
Did I intend for the CPR to work? Absolutely! So I shouldn’t feel guilty.
In actual fact the feeling I was experiencing was the hope that things had been better or different.
Grief Recovery helped me to understand this. If you think it could for you too get in touch and we can talk.
What do you think of when you think of Grief? I imagine most of you will think death. I know I would have done before I learnt that in fact there are over 40 losses we can suffer that cause feelings of grief.
The Grief recovery Method defines grief as:
“Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind.”
“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”
Divorce or end of relationship
Loss of health
Loss of career or job
Loss of trust
Death of a pet
These are just a few examples of losses that cause these feelings of grief.
What’s the difference between counselling and the Grief Recovery Method?
In a nutshell counselling is about discovery and the Grief Recovery Method is about recovery.
After Andi, my husband died and indeed before he died I had a lot of counselling and although great I didn’t feel much better after. I had more of an understanding of how grief was affecting me and what to expect going forward but in my experience I wasn’t armed with the tools to actually feel better.
The Grief Recovery Method is the only evidence based programme proven to help heal your broken heart.
If you want to learn the step by steps tools to simply feel better I would love to help you.
Contact me for a chat about how I can help you.
If you want to book a 15 minute call with me to talk about how the programme works and how it can help you click on the link below.
Welcome to my scheduling page. Please follow the instructions to add an event to my calendar.
I became a specialist after completing the Grief Recovery programme myself. The death of my husband followed by the very sudden death of my new partner, a widower himself, sent me into a spiral of grief. Not knowing what to do with myself and not knowing how to support my beautiful teenage daughter I was told about the Grief Recovery Method and recommended a local specialist. I contacted her about my daughter, not wanting to ‘recover’ myself. How could I when recovery could mean forgetting? Sound familiar? I was gently encouraged to do it for myself as well. The method states that quite simply to recover is to feel better. No mention of forgetting.
I took the plunge and was guided through step by step to completion. It was the best thing that I ever invested my time and money into. Of course, I have not forgotten them- far from it. I have all my memories minus the pain and the tummy ache that had just become part of me. My daughter and I are well equipped with the tools we need for a healthy happy future and feel able to live and love again.
If this sounds like something you would like to know more about, give me a call and we can talk about how I can help you.